I write you this since you have denied me the right to even talk to you about it. You have threatened me painful threats if I do dare to talk about her. Told me that your relationship with her is your thing and too deep for my humble mind to understand.
You have denied me the simple right of me not wanting another women in my Husband’s life. Someone who you share our life with, someone who is no expert nor does she have any knowledge of who I am not what you have done to destroy me.
You have been imposing ridiculous rules upon me over the years, which I have tried to follow merely because it made you uncomfortable. Everything I do and every male friendship I had made you uncomfortable. You have made me embarrassed, nervous and self-conscious in the way I talk, sit and the people I talk to. Made me end friendship and never starts ones, because of your absurd sense of manhood.
You disallowed me friendships because you deemed them unfit with scary threats and now you come and allow yourself a “friendship” that has been a ghost in our lives.
You are and have always been sexist, denying me things you gave yourself the right to do. You have double standards that have caused me so much pain and heartache in excruciating ways and left me beside myself. Because there are no referees nor judges between us that could balance the scale, and you become the biased judge over your controlling irrational judgment on my life. You have managed to discourage me in every way possible. The toxicity of this uncomfortable aura you created around our home, has become a disease.
Yes, I cannot deny your development, yet it is very slow and unpredictable, where you have changed your values, standards and belief system over the years.
You called what you are doing is collaborating and advising each other. She might think she is advising a person she knows, but you are what you are to her only through the words you decide to write. When in reality you are still merely an abusive, manipulating bigot with an underdeveloped soul with many chameleon-like lives on paper that you still explore.
Had your conversations and advice to you been of any sincerity to our marriage and life she would have at least been a friend of our family not just to you. She knows nothing about me except your words, and that is never fair grounds for her to neither advise nor judge.
It is only fair after all these years that I ask this of you, if you care, or is she of that importance to you to disregard me. Is she so important for you to break my heart over? Is this virtual infatuation with a person so of value over the years you have spent hurting my soul? But since you will always view me as this dark, negativity dragging soul, a burden that you do not want to let go of and that my feelings and rights have no grounds because they stem from a non-providing person who you see and will always see as inferior.
This “friendship” you have started, was a along a few you began to explore around the same time. Unfortunately, only this one stuck. Others got engaged, the other found a boyfriend, and others got occupied. Why are they only women that you seek for sharing your deep thoughts, dreams and regrets, telling them private stories and explanations about our marriage and me. Maybe because they are easier to charm and maybe because you seek acceptance from the opposite sex?!
I have never been a jealous person except three times in my entire life, two of which were with ex’s who ended up marrying that same girl I suspected. I speak from intuition and agony and a disrespected heart.
What friendship that makes you share every moment and every thought and feeling with a person that I hardly know, a person who has unfairly managed to judge me and my life without knowing me, is not one I can accept. You chat for hours over days over months. She has become this unknown completion for the time you have forever denied me.
She has become this invisible soul that has directly and indirectly influenced my life.
A ghost I can never compete with.