Affected by your look

Dear Husband

I cant help but get affected by the way u shake your head when i start talking. The despise on ur face when you hear anything i say is like a knife through my soul.

I hold my breath and start talking so fast to get my thoughts out, they come out crumbled and the words get tangled that i seem even more stupid than u make me feel. I feel like i am speech impaired where my thoughts and words do not aline.

Your come back is more terrifying than your look and disparaged my logic. Start interrupting when i try to defend my so solid argument. An argument which i invested in by reading and researching. Yes the words didn’t come out the way i wanted and my tone was so edgy and scared but you were supposed to be my advocate in this life not my judge. You were supposed to be my load bearing wall not my wrecking ball. I thought you were my sounding board not my shaming assessor.

What r u here to prove? that you r smart and well processed and i am not, that i cannot assess a situation and build an argument?

I carried this harsh look in my eyes to save face, but like always i went inside and the tears cant stop running down my face. How could i have said such dumb statements, why cant i talk like it is in my head. Maybe i did deserve your loathing and demeaning response.

Your very hurt wife

4 thoughts on “Affected by your look

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  1. Your words take me back to my former marriage and the perpetual trap of abuse. He made me feel that I was useless, unloveable, and never good enough. I was willing to take the blame, thought I was somehow flawed. It’s been twenty years now, and I have never looked back. Only a month outside his grasp and I felt as if a mask had been removed from eyes – I could see the lies, the deception and the abuse so clearly. I am still learning about myself, learning the reasons why I stayed for so long – 17 years. I am remarried – a good relationship – and much happier. I hope the same for you some day. I hope you can work it out. Meantime, know that you are never alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your words are deeply inspiring, i still find it hard to imagine getting out of all my toxic environments and making my way out safely. Your words of support mean that someone is listening. and i thank you for that again.

      Liked by 1 person

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