In my quest to self-development, I was asked to write down 15 of my personality traits in order to link them to the maybe decision I took when I was barely 8. The decision that I am weak, shy and not capable. I have been trying to get on it for almost a week now.
What are my personality traits? Do I even have any that define who I am?
My whole life, I was told what to do, and how to do them and how much of a failure I am because I do not follow properly. I have been trying to adapt to people around me to fit in and be accepted and loved, to an extent that I do not feel definable! Whenever I try to write down a trait, I find tens of reasons why it is not me and tens why it could be. And when I crushed my mind, I only found it easier to write down the negative traits, as they sounded more familiar to my ear.
I took it up upon myself to ask my husband about it. Maybe it was the worst decision ever, but that is what I did. I was anxious, but what would go wrong? I already know how much he despises my personality, and it couldn’t make me sadder or more self-hating than I already am.
Here is what he came up with:
- Warm
- Intimate
- Ambitious
Then he stopped and paused for the longest time, during which I finished a whole cigarette. He said he didn’t want to tell me negative characterizes, we’re already on bad terms. I told him it’s ok. Please go on. And little did I know, the list was apparently long and probably in his head.
- You have an emotional scale that you measure all the time
- Emotionally judgmental, where you except others to have the same emotions as yourself and don’t accept it when they don’t.
- Argumentative, not in the sense that you love arguments, but in an opinionated manner in which it is your opinion is the only right one. – When did my opinion matter?
- Self-Centric: where you come out as inconsiderate and particular (whatever that means) – ME i have been doing nothing but walking on eggshells around our entire life together and before that others!
- Stubborn – well I knew that
- Not a planer and untimely – how can i plan when i am always to follow urs or afraid that you judge my plan.
- Snobbish, that is you are classist and treat the different class differently. …
- Obstructive, uncooperative & disrespectful, where you block me from moving forward in a disrespectful manner and do not give an alternative
- Unfocused
- Expressive – seriously, my whole frustration in life stems from the fact that I am not able to express myself freely
- Unstructured
- Irrational
- Un-visual
- He also added geeky, which he intended in a good way and told me don’t get me wrong I like geeks, which made me smile, however like half hour later he called me up to where he was sitting to tell me to scratch that, I take it back.
I am still speechless and in shock that this how bad he sees me. So why is he still here, or should I be glad that he is still here? Does he know me at all, or is this the person I have become in our 10 years of abusive and destructive marriage?
I acted totally fine, as if it didn’t hurt and I am the most confident woman ever, but I wanted to do is crawl-up in a whole in the ground and cry till I stop breathing. I gathered my two daughters and went down to the kids birthday party they were invited to.
