My undefinable personality?

In my quest to self-development, I was asked to write down 15 of my personality traits in order to link them to the maybe decision I took when I was barely 8. The decision that I am weak, shy and not capable. I have been trying to get on it for almost a week now.

What are my personality traits? Do I even have any that define who I am?

My whole life, I was told what to do, and how to do them and how much of a failure I am because I do not follow properly. I have been trying to adapt to people around me to fit in and be accepted and loved, to an extent that I do not feel definable! Whenever I try to write down a trait, I find tens of reasons why it is not me and tens why it could be. And when I crushed my mind, I only found it easier to write down the negative traits, as they sounded more familiar to my ear.

I took it up upon myself to ask my husband about it. Maybe it was the worst decision ever, but that is what I did. I was anxious, but what would go wrong? I already know how much he despises my personality, and it couldn’t make me sadder or more self-hating than I already am.

Here is what he came up with:

  1. Warm
  2. Intimate
  3. Ambitious

Then he stopped and paused for the longest time, during which I finished a whole cigarette. He said he didn’t want to tell me negative characterizes, we’re already on bad terms. I told him it’s ok. Please go on. And little did I know, the list was apparently long and probably in his head.

  1. You have an emotional scale that you measure all the time
  2. Emotionally judgmental, where you except others to have the same emotions as yourself and don’t accept it when they don’t.
  3. Argumentative, not in the sense that you love arguments, but in an opinionated manner in which it is your opinion is the only right one. – When did my opinion matter?
  4. Self-Centric: where you come out as inconsiderate and particular (whatever that means) – ME i have been doing nothing but walking on eggshells around our entire life together and before that others!
  5. Stubborn – well I knew that
  6. Not a planer and untimely – how can i plan when i am always to follow urs or afraid that you judge my plan.
  7. Snobbish, that is you are classist and treat the different class differently. …
  8. Obstructive, uncooperative & disrespectful, where you block me from moving forward in a disrespectful manner and do not give an alternative
  9. Unfocused
  10. Expressive – seriously, my whole frustration in life stems from the fact that I am not able to express myself freely
  11. Unstructured
  12. Irrational
  13. Un-visual
  14. He also added geeky, which he intended in a good way and told me don’t get me wrong I like geeks, which made me smile, however like half hour later he called me up to where he was sitting to tell me to scratch that, I take it back.

I am still speechless and in shock that this how bad he sees me. So why is he still here, or should I be glad that he is still here? Does he know me at all, or is this the person I have become in our 10 years of abusive and destructive marriage?

I acted totally fine, as if it didn’t hurt and I am the most confident woman ever, but I wanted to do is crawl-up in a whole in the ground and cry till I stop breathing. I gathered my two daughters and went down to the kids birthday party they were invited to.

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