After another deeper session into my being, the decision I made as a little girl became clearer. I made a decision as a 5 year old child, that “I am stupid”, but it came to me in a way that was so defensive. NO, I am Not Stupid.
I know … stupid is a very generic word, but to me it hold more meaning than a silly word a child would use as an insult. It meant something along the lines of ignorant, foolish, slow, air-head, weak, foolish, unfocused, do not know what I want, nonsensical, irresponsible, ill-advised, ill-considered, inept, unwise and short-sighted, gullible, naïve …; as a result it lead to the person I have become now. Where all of me is related, dependent or protective of that.
It became apparent to me why he sees me the way he does and why anybody would. https://snobnotblog.wordpress.com/2017/10/21/my-undefinable-personality/ To him, I am merely the mirror of my defensiveness. So I decided to analyse some of the personality traits my dear unloving husband told me, looking through that mirror.
You have an emotional scale that you measure all the time and emotionally judgmental
I think what he meant was that I constantly equate whatever I am feeling with whatever he is feeling and the scale has to be even for me to be satisfied. So yes, I have given this relationship time, effort, pain and sacrifice enough to not be satisfied with his minimal effort or sympathetic with his sometimes displeasure. He has never given time to make me feel good. He called it time spent with me emotional abuse of his time. He can go one for hours holding a monologue and my very few words is time theft.
I have been taken for a fool, and let to feel things that were not fair in comparison to what I let him feel. I have been so defensive of my not stupid decision that I want to balance the scale.
I have sacrificed a lot to be with him, fought for us to get married against my mom’s will, gave up my job, my home, my friends to travel with him, so he could fulfill his dreams and career and ambitions. I was as supportive as I could be. During that time, he called it duty my as a wife be with him wherever he chooses to be.
I went begging to his parents to agree to meet with mine so we could get married, which is the basic traditional values in our society. Argued and challenged my mother who made it very clear that we are socially incompatible which leads to differences on our core values and would eventually tear us apart. Put up with his parents’ unjustified snobbish behavior. Had a wedding in a time and environment I hated. I visited and got them gifts when I came home to visit, where they would look me up and down each time. Went out of all my comfort zones for him and for them. Never did I receive a compliment, a gift or even warmth from his family. He never supported me, during a death in my family, my job hunt, interviews, when I wanted to pursue photography nor when I was doing my masters, to name a few.
He just generally belittled everything I did and grand-sized everything he did. We’ve been living for a year now in the same building as mom, in an apartment that she bought and prepared for me and he is not one bit grateful. He didn’t allow my mother to be there for me in my first delivery and when she came for my second he was so rude and hurtful to her.
He forced me to dress in certain ways, that I didn’t know how to shop. His money has always been his alone, and would only give me what he saw fit.
For years I let his abuse and criticism pass, making excuses for him. I went out my way to make things flow. Put up with a lot.
In short he was never there for me when I needed him, not physically nor emotionally. So yes I carry an emotional scale, I even carry a grudge, because the pain he caused me is not even measurable with whatever he is going through.
I believe that I am an empathetic person, who would always find excuses for everyone around me, including yourself for years, but I am out of excuses for you. You talk to me as if we are in a business transaction, carrying no weight for emotions and expects me to do the same. Well I cant.
Argumentative in an opinionated manner:
When did my opinion matter? When did he have the time and patience to sit with me and listen to my argument or opinion? He discredits whatever I have to say, because I don’t have enough business experience to prove that I am worth listening to. He calls me sheltered and pampered. And now that we have kids, who spend more time with and understand better and try to put myself in their shoes when I am talking to them. It is constantly in my head that every single behaviour they see or experience becomes imbedded in their personality. Everything that I argued for has proven to be right later on. His needs are all very eccentric and unprecedented.
I am only defensive over what I know. Yes, there might be a part of me in there that wants to prove that I am not stupid that I am aware of what I am doing, what I want and do not want.
Will analyze more in my head and will continue in another post.