I cant even begin to write down the words from the pain. I have been trying to get myself together and help myself get out of this destructive environment but i find myself sucked back in the drama.
I woke him, with him next to me, he’s been finding other places to sleep on in the apartment for the longest times, but every now he finds his way to the bedroom. He came from behind me and spooned, I could barely move or breath. He wanted to have sex. I just couldn’t. Without turning around, I told him “did you stop talking to her”. It took so much courage of me to say so, I was mad at him for so many things, starting for the fact that I cant breath around him. The constant judgment and the said and unsaid words.
He replied saying “so this is you ultimatum? You know ultimatums don’t work.” I know that, but nothing woks. But it really wasn’t about ultimatums, it was about I don’t want him touching me. If I am not enough for him and nothing I ever do or be will, then why? Why bother?
He got up and started talking about the preparation for visitors he invited over as if nothing happened. It was ok, I got used to the hidden language and judgments in his head. He was standing there on my yoga mat with his shoes, I tried for a few minutes to disregard that, it wasn’t really an issue, but I just had to open my mouth again. I asked him not to step on it and it was there because I have been asking for no shoes in the house for years.
And the shower of criticism began. The apartment is already filthy, there’s a dog in the house. I tried to tell him if he is bothered he could have said something before or say it nicely. He’s the one who got a dog, he’s the one who leaves his stuff lying around. He never bothered to ever wash the dishes, or put something in the sink. Yes it might not be spotless clean, but seriously! “Why do you constantly invite people over when it is that bad”? Argumentative he called me.
The next comment came even harsher: you don’t even know how to raise your children, they don’t know how to eat properly and are raised by the maid.
I wake them up, dress them, feed them, give them their vitamins, stay with them when they’re sick, walk one to the bus and come back to wake the second and drive her an hour away, come back to run errands and go back to pick her up. I put them to sleep every night, with a bedtime story. I bake with them, take them to playdates, birthday parties, buy their clothing, study with them, cook for them, make sure they are well fed and healthy. Wake up for for bed wetting and night time scares. Take them to trainings, to doctor appointments. Take the dog for walks, bathe the dog and groom him. Never has he done any of that!! And these are only the chores, the emotional welbeing and the educational stuff are also my responsibility. I do all that will love. I do all that, when I am sick, when I am tried, when I am emotionally drained. I do all that regardless.
The Nanny helps out with two things, breakfast on weekends, because that is the only time I do not have to wake up at 6am, and with bathing them, because I take a 10 min cigarette break.
What does he do? Play (sometimes and calls it teaching them – that is around 10 min a day), get them junk-food to eat, put a movie on and leaves them, mess up their schedule and the shouting of course. Oh yes, he works.
He has been working from home for the longest time, but what does he help out with? I needed a nanny because he does not help! He goes to golf, outings, stay in the house but doesn’t want noise, stare at screens and smoke up and complain.
Table manners, they are almost 5 and 3! Should they be eating with a fork and knife? For goodness sake, his daughter is afraid of him, and is afraid to tell him.
He took her out the other day, because I was tiered of him breaking his promises, she came back crying in my arms because of all the shouting. I asked him what happened, he said your daughter is slow and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. She is not even 5!!!
By far that is the most hurtful words anyone could say to a stay at home mom.