Loneliness

I sit here in the bedroom, with something going on on the TV in the background. I have put the kids to bed after running the daily chores of motherhood. I wanted a person to talk to, but u had already told me that i’m a disruption to ur time. That my interruptions are not just wanting to talk or share or have company, “it’s the amount of attention/energy/consideration one brings, gives or takes while they are within the other one’s moment”. What does that even mean? How am supposed to be comfortable in my own surrounding with you? Why are we still here? Better, Why are you still here? Are you Sadistic, Masochistic .. do like this?

Is it so wrong to long for company? I don’t always have something to say, but that should be alright, right? No, to him I have to be of constant added value somehow. I have to have something to contribute with and add to his intellectual brain every time i open my mouth .. i dont know.!

I just miss being in love, i miss being loved. I am tired of having mental conversations with him in my head.

My parents and friends think that i have a person in my life. Society thinks i’m married. My married friends have their lives and my single friends, don’t have kids and r on the hunt. People think i have someone. They don’t understand the loneliness.

How am i supposed to find myself worth, or better where?

Why am still here? Maybe a dream that i will feel married and happy and alive one day?!

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