Given the history of my marriage and my constant failed trails to making it work, it is what it is, I accepted abuse!
Maybe because of his witful ways of always making me feel not good enough or that it is me who pushed him over the edge and made him violent … maybe because i feel i was not wholeheartedly giving my best because of guilt towards my single mom whom i got married despite her approval .. maybe because of my fear of being shamed that although being repetitively told that this marriage is doomed to fail and me negating that, it actually is… may because of the kids.. there are surely lots of maybes .. But staying with him despite of his abuse is certainly on me.
Regardless of all my fears of what is to come next .. the stigma of a divorced single mom, fear of raising my kids alone, fear of not being financially dependent, an agitating fear of ‘what if it’s is my fault’ and the consequent fear of living with guilt trips … i know it should have been over years ago.
I should stop blaming him for being abusive .. it is me who decided to stay.. and me who should take a decision to leave!
And I hate that!!
I hate feeling (illogically of course) that my decision will have an inpact on fate! My fate, his fate and my daughters.