It is definitely on me

Given the history of my marriage and my constant failed trails to making it work, it is what it is, I accepted abuse!

Maybe because of his witful ways of always making me feel not good enough or that it is me who pushed him over the edge and made him violent … maybe because i feel i was not wholeheartedly giving my best because of guilt towards my single mom whom i got married despite her approval .. maybe because of my fear of being shamed that although being repetitively told that this marriage is doomed to fail and me negating that, it actually is… may because of the kids.. there are surely lots of maybes .. But staying with him despite of his abuse is certainly on me.

Regardless of all my fears of what is to come next .. the stigma of a divorced single mom, fear of raising my kids alone, fear of not being financially dependent, an agitating fear of ‘what if it’s is my fault’ and the consequent fear of living with guilt trips … i know it should have been over years ago.

I should stop blaming him for being abusive .. it is me who decided to stay.. and me who should take a decision to leave!

And I hate that!!

I hate feeling (illogically of course) that my decision will have an inpact on fate! My fate, his fate and my daughters.

6 thoughts on “It is definitely on me

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  1. You stay with him because you love him and hate him all at once. You stay with him because you think SOMEDAY he might change. If your husband does not see what he is doing to you and your children…..ultimately he will not change. Only God can change a person like that.
    However, NO WOMAN SHOULD PUT UP WITH PHYSICAL ABUSE. YOU SHOULD NOT ACCEPT IT. Do not blame yourself for his fits of rage. YOU ARE THE VICTIM. What he needs is to have someone to kick the crap out of him. Do not deserve seconds!
    I have been in a physically abusive relationship before and it only gets worse. He does not deserve you and your children. He deserves as much as he gives you. That is NOTHING!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am praying for you. That is an extremely difficult situation that you are in. I know how difficult it is to up and leave. Especially when your husband is a ticking time bomb.
        Stay safe and pray!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship right now. I know God has a plan for me. He has opened my eyes. He has given me strength and perseverance. I know He does not want me to suffer. I know God has better things for me waiting in the future. I just have to stay true to my faith and keep praying.


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