It never came easy for me to share my thoughts and feelings; it was always hard to find comfort talking and not think… I must sound smart for them to respect me… but I found a friend I can talk to. I never allowed myself that luxury during my marriage. A no judgment zone that makes me unconsciously, without second doubting myself, talk about life, love, marriage, death, God, kids… and above all sharing my weaknesses… Listening without any preconceived notions of how the words should be… without automatically comparing the words he says with the ideas that are ingrained in mind… Being honest with myself, even about not knowing, regardless of how it is perceived. Yes, I am also sexually attracted, i fantasise about being with him and with every conversation I feel a deeper desire of being in his arms.. maybe be because it is forbidden, maybe because I lack that in my life, or the combination of sex and friendship.. or maybe it is actually real.. and maybe it might be nothing i’ll remember a few months from now ..
So I called him for coffee, I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts, wondering about my life.. I wanted a comfort zone and this friendship became one of mine. I didn’t know if it was the same for him and whether he wanted to or not, if I were scaring him away for seeming needy or lonely, because I wasn’t. I ordered my coffee and just sat there and a while later he came. The conversation was undoubtedly interesting and honest..
I looked at him sitting across of me, as we were talking about how intuition is merely understanding something instinctively. He went on to explain that he believes that there is an innate need for humans to go back to their basic forms before civilisation and the impact of social and religious laws on how we have strayed away from what humans are made to be… I stared at him for what seamed like hours..
.. right then, I jumped from the chair I sat on and sat on top of him… the whole world around us disappeared. Fire spread through my body. I cradled his face with both my palms and kissed him. His lips were firm and warm, soft but passionate…lips filled with wild desire. My hair was covering us both from behind, he softly pushed it to the side and held the back of my neck as he groaned and he kissed me back. My whole body shaken by the calmness of the scene. I felt his tongue tracing the bottom of my lips… I opened my mouth just slightly and felt his tongue on mine, where silent submission of our souls intertwined. As the intensity increased, I felt liquid heat coming out of my body. He gently slid his hand to the bottom of my back touching my skin from underneath my shirt as he pulled me closer with every breath he took. I wanted to absorb him, his scent, his body into mine… his embrace was so tight, that i forgot the difference between wrong and right.. it was like an erotic dance between two craving souls stripped to their basic instincts …
… but there he was, still sitting across the table, explaining the difference between intuition and instinct and describing his view of how everything can be stripped back to instincts.