Sex after Abuse

For years I wanted him in our bed… I wanted him to come sleep next to me… to cuddle me and spoon me and kiss my neck while I slept…

For years I fantasized about him coming in between my sheets … stoke my body and run his fingers down my back… as he breathed in my ear close enough to smell his scent…

For years I craved for him to want me in his arms whilst we dreamt of each other together and slowly our dream comes real and we end up naked as our bodies melt into one…

For years I longed for morning sex… for a morning kiss… for him to join me in the shower…

I used to lay there between our empty sheets and think .. should I go to him in the room the decided to call his own, and if I do.. do I have to leave after.. should I wait …

But now here he is… sleeping next to me every night for the past times ..

And what do I feel… invasion

He invaded my space of comfort.. he came to touch me and all I can think of .. stop, please stop…

He breathed in my ear and I could hear the words of hate and despise he uttered to me all through the years

He touched me and I once again I felt the punches he gave me running though my veins

I played dead, like a frightened dog terrified of being eaten

He went down on me and … oh my.. I used to love this… long for this… dream of this years ago …

I tried to possess the moment .. not to think of who he is and how we are .. I just had to think of another .. any other .. any fantasy in my head to make me enjoy..

But after… I feel raped and violated as if giving him a part of me he does not anymore deserve..

I used to think of sex as merely an instinct… that regardless of our arguments or fights, I could always find a way to distance my feelings from the act ..

Over the years, sex went from a way of showing and experiencing passion and love and life .. to it being a way of us connecting the manner we couldn’t in reality … then it slowly faded into merely an instinct .. that regardless of our arguments or fights, I could always find away to distance my feelings, anger, and neglect from the act ..

And then for years and years .. our sex life was completely unrelated to reality.. some sort of control or power of a situation I had no nerve of changing

But NOW .. I cant anymore.. he managed to break that… even that… he managed to finally make me feel more worthy than him

And that’s what his abuse did to me…

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