The next day of the … well of the violence

After the beating, things got really complicated specially that’s been two and a half months.

Anyway this is about the next day… and the rest will take a faster pace…

The day of, he was packing to leave. It took him around 6 hours to pack. I got the kids from my mom’s downstairs and put the kids to bed. I tried not to show them that he’s leaving or of any disruptions. I talked to them and tried to explain that it was a very wrong fight… that we shouldn’t have done that… that what papa did was not right and that he apologised and promised not to ever do that again… etc. He was still there, packing roaming around the house. Had 5 suitcases done and still lingering. The apartment was a mess, open cupboards and filled with his stuff in every corner… I wanted to die… As if I didn’t deserve a talk, maybe an apology (even if I didn’t accept it), or even a simple look of regret… let alone a closure of the relationship… or just leave faster and let what was happening sink in.

And then against all rational… I went in to talk to him. It was 1am. I have been crying myself breathless… my face and body all swollen up, that I didn’t feel then from the adrenalin of the situation.

He listened… for once…

We talked about us not being happy… that no matter what has caused this to be where are now, we need to accept that this is not a place that we should be… not what we should expose our daughters to… We talked about some revelations I have discovered about myself, we talked about how I might have maybe made it less comprehendible for him to understand me… talked about my facial expressions… truth about myself… I told him that we need a separation and not only because of the violence.. it’s because I needed to breath and I couldn’t living with him.

We reached that …

I was tremendously exhausted and it was very late or very early I couldn’t tell… I went to bed, and there it was every part of my body aching… any and every position I tried to rest my body was painful, so I tossed and turned painfully and whenever I closed my eyes… all I could see were the looks of fear and despair my daughters had…

I woke up.. he was still there…

I just went about my morning, had my daughters and the four remaining puppies to feed… and then very calmly he came up to me as I was bottle feeding the puppies saying “I understand that you need your space, but I am I don’t know what to do, I will need to get movers to move my TV and it’s setup, because this is where I do all my work, this is where I present myself to people when they visit… … … …”. With probably an eye brow lift on my side… I tried to contain myself “I don’t want to disrupt the girls by this, we can find a way to coexist until you figure this out”, I said. And all I can think of was … TV?!! I should have kicked him out naked… we decided we will sit and talk and figure out rules of engagement…

Of course my parents came over the next morning, my mother wanted to give him a piece of her mind… he had this conference he supposedly had to attend, so I backed them off.. he was falling apart by then… could get dressed right and started to tear up… “I am good for nothing” he said. So I talked to my parents and tried to explain that we decided to talk out all our needs and then we will come talk to you…

Well to be continued…

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