In or Out?

Sitting here in the empty living room, he has decided to move out to our supposedly new place away from my mother’s realm, thinking about where I stand in this marriage.

His theory is, we’ve been told to leave – I’ll get to why in a bit -, lets move out and then figure out our marriage elsewhere… a valid point, you’ll think. Whereas mine is; lets stay here, solve our problems here my safe zone, and then if things worked out we leave and if not, I stay. I could have been strategic and said, ok … lets leave, I would then get all our belongings, that have been kept in a container for the past year and a half since our move back from abroad and then ask him to leave that place, that he would have to pay rent for. But anyways…

During the month after the beating, we were supposed to sit and talk, figure out our rules of engagement and then sit with my mother, who was, for the first time, a witness to his violence, after years of her not knowing much about our problems. He was supposed to show accountability for his violence and explain to her where we’re at, after her shocking experience. He kept pushing that away, finding ways to run away from any conversation and every time we go near a debatable discussion of any kind, kids eating habits be it .. a plan to go out .. or about our marriage.. he gets angry and agitated. Day by day I was asked by mother how it is and why doesn’t he want to talk to her.. and day by day she got more and more pissed at him … telling me if you are still going to stay with a husband who beats you up and doesn’t even want to talk to your own mother about it, who witnessed it .. then get out of my building and live elsewhere where I don’t know about his violence.

She, with her old age mind, decided to send him a message directly telling him she wants to sell the apartment and that we need to move out. She doesn’t even need it or uses it and bought it for me. She could care less about the apartment!! Anyhow… I can imagine where his dignity and ego took place and I do not blame him for that, however… where do I stand? Do I move out with a person who when angered get violent and abusive? Do I move to another place with him, disrupt our kids lives, to a rented temporary place until we figure out something permanent… away from my safe zone in case anything like that happened again? Do I even want to move away with him? Is she part of the problem? I just wanted to separate,… but she had to get involved and mess that up for me…  She put me in such an awkward position of a forced move with him … or him thinking i am staying just because it is near her..! So do I ask for one now or after we leave to neutral grounds?

He decided we’re out.. today morning he brought movers in to move our stuff out and then we woule think about what we’re going to do. The minute I told him that I am not moving, the guilt trips and blaming and shaming took hold of his tongue… there he is .. the abusive husband i fear! i finally stood my grounds, so he took whatever we brought in the apartment with us (including the living room and TV), his clothes and left me with kitchen wear and clothes for me and the kids. So here I am in the empty living room… trying to understand what the hell is going to happen now!

I decided to finally write down our relationship inventory… lets see what comes out of that!

Ohhh i forgot to mention, he’s not moving out quite yet.. when.. i dont know.. what is he waiting for.. i dont know.. where is he going.. i dont know.. all i know is that he left some clothes that he regularly uses .. opened up suitcases … left with the movers to a conference and came back

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