Is this life’s payback for something?

I am not the kind of person who looses things. I can misplace something every now and then but I know where everything usually is. I arrange my clothes according to season, outings, sleeve sizes, colours… etc. I arrange my house, where everything has a place, with boxes and ziplocks for everything, extra screws and lamps and a pantry, where you would know where everything is, even if it were your first time in the kitchen… the kids toys are arranged according to type of toy and age grouped and each have to be placed in its right place. I have reachable tissue boxes in every room. I even have a place in every room, where when something doesn’t belong anywhere or when someone doesn’t know where to put it, they put it there. Nothing goes into a cupboard except when well-arranged. I could have a pile on coat hanger, but not unarranged in a cupboard. I’m not OCD, but what I mean is that I take care of my shit.

In just the past weeks with all what’s going on, my head is on another planet or something! I dropped a gold bracelet somewhere in the house and it took me an hr to recall where it was. Yesterday, I lost my headphones and the day before I forgot my wallet at a friend’s house. My handbag is a mess of kids’ stuff and extra clothes and shit I don’t even know of. And today, I lost my Pandora Charm Bracelet… one that I have been collecting for a while. I took it off in a cab, while dropping off my daughter at nursery, because it was in the way between my daughter and the laptop and just dropped it, went back 2 min later and some lady had already picked it up and took it. I ran after her like a crazy maniac in the street trying to find her, but she disappeared in the crowd of similar faces. What on earth is going on?! I started to cry like a kid. It felt like dropping something from 40 story building into the deep ocean and stretching my arms so far down in an attempt to save it from disappearing forever…

Every one of them has a significance to me… some represent my passions, others my children, others the anniversaries he’s missed and some were gifts…

What on earth is going on? Is it the instability of the home? Not having a car for the past year and a half? Karma is kicking me in the ass and telling me that I am a fucking failure, like he’s been telling me for years and maybe I should start believing it! I sure feel like one now. Am I hurting someone I don’t know of and that’s life’s payback?!

Where on earth can I go and scream my lungs out… scream out the pain and confusion and guilt trips and fear. I feel like there’s this viscous air bubble surrounding me from everywhere and I can barely grasp for air, chained to the ground and being moved in tiny steps to where I have to be going.

My whole life is falling apart, between trying to get a separation, trying to figure out my life… moving or not moving… taking care of the kids and driving them around in cabs and trying to keep them, healthy, happy, and safe… the two remaining puppies, I feel so guilty about, but don’t have the energy to find them homes anymore… my dog that I don’t have enough time for anymore… my mom that I have no idea how to please or have the energy for… my dysfunctional failure of a marriage and i am crying over a bracelet!


Update: I found it.. the lady brought it back, she was just running and errand and brought it back.. this is like one in a million chance of happening!

There is good in the world, in my world.. there is a lesson to be learnt for sure and i am loving the fact that i am learning it…

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