My Faith in Love

My, in all aspects abusive, husband has destroyed my faith in lasting passion … in the fact that true love exists. I didn’t marry him for anything except to love and be loved.

Kalil Gibran explains love by saying:

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

And do I ever want to be naked to anyone? For anyone to see the true me, would anyone love me for who I am or who I have become? That scared soul from life … trapped in this world of dreams of I can do it, but I cant… with lots of ambitions and ideas and plans that only stay in her head and she ends up stuck stagnant in her seat. A person who is afraid of judgments and failure and what other people think of her that she barely moves… A person who has been so emotionally abused that has become a reaction of people’s thoughts of her … A person who has never cried enough or laughed enough or danced enough… who just wants to leave this world of chaos and just live a bohemian life … The naked me even scares myself.

I tell people that love is merely respect, understanding and communication … but it’s not… this might be a stable and maybe successful relationship, but’s it’s not a passionate one… and for some people that’s enough. Except that love is so much more … it’s an enraptured indescribable feeling larger than life and maybe even death …

But I do want to feel love and passion again… I want to feel safe being whatever whomever I am with someone. I want to feel desire and lust and romance… I want that intoxicating euphoric feeling you experience when you’re in the arms of love. I want to be able to share thoughts and decisions with an understood silence… I want to not be afraid of what my lover thinks of me, for I would always feel sheltered in his eyes. I want to love and be loved without desperation and needs, with only naked souls dreaming and dancing beneath the moonlight, connecting in mind and consciousness … I want to feel the wholeness that love brings…

I could write a million more words for how much passion I have for love and how much I long for it…

But would that ever be possible in my life?…Would I ever allow myself to fall in love again… allow someone to fall in love with the naked me!…


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