I saw this quote today and it brought sadness to my soul..
I was always taught that jealousy or envy is the worst trait anyone would possess. It eats you up and we should always be proud of other people’s success. But I can’t help myself lately… Whenever I find other people excelling at their careers, specially friends that I was light years more qualified than… it breaks my heart.. I think that it should or could have been me.
Being raised by a single mother working with financially dependent women in entities like the UNICEF, UNDP and UN Women, she taught me that a women’s financial independence empowers her and gives her the ability to have control over her life and be able to proudly claim her rights. It is what gives a women confidence and credibility to be part of decisions for both her self and her family. I do not have one, non-working women in my family… and yet here I am, with two very dependable degrees (Bachelors in Construction Engineering and Masters of Law in Construction law and Arbitration with Distinction), passion for writing, photography and yoga that I should be able to pursue … and no confidence!
Where has my life gone? Why did I let it pass me by? Why didn’t I make my career the most important aspect in my life, regardless of my family, my guilt trips, my postpartum or my abusive relationship… it should have been the only thing on my list… maybe I wouldn’t be so scared right now!
Probably, because I am in the midst of choosing to enter a new phase in my life… all alone.. with barely a support system to help me on my feet… that I am freaking out..
For the past 13 years all my plans have always been accompanied with him and my future has been entangled in every way possible with his… where we’re going to live, which country his career is leading us, fighting to save his money when he could care less, all his financials were physically only his… And like he so rudely told me.. “will you jump from being a burden on him.. to be a burden on my parents”. He always found ways to make any job offer impossible to take, made the time while I was working or doing my masters hell and made it seem so insignificant that screwed up all self-esteem I had… looking back that was probably part of his abuse. He would complain about me not working and berate me for having no career and yet never gave me a chance to do so!
I don’t want to stay with him for that but it is scary to think of all this. It’s scary to make plans from scratch. I forgot how to find a job, and what job is going to hire me after 5 years of being a house-wife. It would hurt my being to deviate away from my primary career and find a random job that would barely pay my phone bill. And when would I find the time to work? I still have to do drop offs and pickups for a school and nursery that finish at 2pm and trainings for my girls and in my line of work, there is nothing less than a 9-5 job. I need to find the money to buy a car and place of my own!
But then again.. I need my independence from him.. his anger and abuse and putting me down year in and year out. I do not want to continue living with an abuser for lack of financial independence. I want to have a choice.