I am hesitant and indecisive and I just realised (although being constantly told otherwise in the past) that it is not because I am weak … it’s merely because I involve other people in my decisions in my head!
I fear judgment, which is a big part of it… and I fear all the negative possibilities that might or could arise…
So here’s my Devil’s Advocate (AD) conversation (maybe by the time i’m done typing, one side will prevail and convince me):
DA: Fuck’em all
Me: Yes that’s so easily said than actually applied. These people’s lives are going to be affected; it’s not just me involved!
DA: Why do you think you have control over them?
Me: I don’t want to hurt them or take a decision that will force a wrong turn into their lives forever
DA: But u don’t control the future, nor can predict it… Why do u always think of only the negative possibilities?
Me: Because they are all viable scenarios that might arise
DA: Have faith that no matter good or bad comes out.. it will be ok
Me: Oh.. really, do u know that for sure?
DA: No but the purpose will reveal itself one day
Me: That is always easy to logically explain the past when living in the future.. everything can be later explained in hindsight, good or bad, right or wrong! Murders, death, birth.. every decision creates a butterfly effect, it doesn’t mean a purpose, the purpose is just a way of you rationalizing the past. What good has come out
DA: Good or bad is just a matter of perspective, all relative!
Me: So death or plagues or war have positive effects?
DA: Yes.. good can be generated from all that, and opportunities to make good out of it is always a choice and perspective.
Me: Ok, I’ll role with that for a moment.. but it’s easier to stay in stagnation (relatively speaking) than to be blamed for a wrong decision or to start from scratch in life?
DA: So blame and fear of not being able to make it are what scares you?
DA: So again I am telling you.. fuck’em all, you are the source for the people around, if you are happy they will be
Me: And how would I know if that will make me happy
DA: Because living the comfortable pain you’re living in is defiantly not… so it is about time to try something else ..
Me: And what if I cannot make it on my own and feel further like a failure?
DA: You will never know whether you can make it or not except if you are put in a position to be forced to try.
Me: But I will be the one who is putting myself in the situation, it’s my choice!
DA: Exactly! Make the decision you want and then take it from there.
Me: That might fly with my abusive marriage right now, because rationally it makes sense to get my children out of this toxic environment and whether I am to blame or not in breaking up the marriage, I might be equally to blame if I chose to stay. However, that doesn’t work when it comes to other decisions, like jobs, or moving or even choices between buying this or that!
DA: Take it one step at a time and don’t try to plan your whole life with all the negative outcome possibilities in one go.
Me: But I am going to be judged for it… and a magnifying glass will be put on me, of whether this decision yielded something, and I was able to make it on my own.
DA: You are judged now… up till now you have done nothing much with whatever you wanted to do or become anyways
Me: True, but after taking the decision it’s going to be even more, I will look bad!
DA: Don’t let fear of failure and fear of judgment control your life, and you cannot control your life, neither should any of your fears.
Me: That is easier said than done… it’s scary
DA: It is!