Am I Addicted to Misery?

I woke up angry… I want to scream and cry and sleep forever…

It shouldn’t have been this way… I have wasted 13 years of my life on a dream of a marriage that never came to be. Every year I say I am giving it one more year, one more chance… and every year my investment increases and my return is in the negative…

I did invest in him, his career, his ambitions, his studies, his happiness and travels… When we met, he was.. well still is somehow.. this ambitious architect, top of his class, brilliantly creative and extremely charismatic, who would charm your brain and enlighten your intellect to a different dimension… who can paint, and draw and design a business plan that would blow your mind away.. excelled at everything he did and every job that came by his path … I also invested in a person who claimed and for some odd reason still claims that he loves me..

But nevertheless, I waited for the marriage to start… I waited for the love that never matured, but instead turned into resentment and bitterness… waited for the appreciation, compassion and respect; in return I got brutal emotional and physical abuse… waited for at least some financial stability and social security… but I was building for someone else, who cared less and less for who I am… I waited for the friendship to become companionship and the passion to last… I am angry with myself for believing that it would get better one day… that the odds would change to my favor.. I am angry that somewhere deep inside, some unwanted thought was telling me I should still wait and maybe someday my investment will yield any return… and that all the past was just an ugly phase… although with all my being i know i should be done waiting…

Some say addiction is like a hunger.. an aching need to flood the brain with dopamine to reach that level of high that satisfies the brain’s reward system, making the addict want to repeat that feeling again… or something like that… Some psychologist claim that most people have some sort of addiction with a compulsive need to do the same behaviour repetitively, drugs be it, gambling, eating, sex, even stock investments…

So what am I, well supposedly was, addicted to?… The Misery…? Some sort of compulsive need to continue regardless of all negative consequences…? Am i suffering from a gambler’s fallacy, perhaps?.. believing that the probability of my life with him is going to change for the better, regardless of all the clearly destructive past events and abusive behaviour!!

I know, that right now, this moment, need to stop my addiction or fallacies or whatever it is that is killing my very soul.. I need to feel free.. untied and unburdened by the false marriage I have been living and start living my fantasies and dreams instead of them dying in my head…

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