I was lying there in the sun, with my headphones on, listening to music after a wonderful morning yoga practice. For almost half an hour it was more than serene, feeling the sun’s heat against my face and the rhythm in my heart, feet tapping and mumbling the words.
I have heard them before so many times that I knew the words, but this time this song hit me differently… it spoke to me, not on behalf of me…
And you claim you got something going
Something you call unique
But I’ve seen your self-pity showing
As the tears rolled down your cheeks
Soon you know I’ll leave you
And I’ll never look behind
‘Cos I was born for the purpose
That crucifies your mind
So con, convince your mirror
As you’ve always done before
Giving substance to shadows
Giving substance ever more
And you assume you got something to offer
Secrets shiny and new
But how much of you is repetition
That you didn’t whisper to him too
“crucify your mind” – Rodriguez
I felt the lyrics piercing through me, like a bullet in my soul, the way he has been berating and criticizing me for years… I could see him through the notes and could picture his stare between the texts right in front of me. These weren’t my emotions, they were his twoards me. They were mirroring him, with his narcissistic, gas lighting, and emotionally abusive behavior.
The way he talked to me, when he wanted to make me feel like a nobody, a useless soul that came into this world only as a burden… and when I felt weak, he would knock me even further in the ground till my heart would explode from guilt and pain and agony… telling me that when he would leave it would be forever and I would then mean nothing to him… The way he persistently told me that he was beyond better than me, that he has a determination to make something of himself, something I would never even aspire to understand in my wildest dreams and I was just pulling him back into my dark world of nothingness. The way he told me that whatever self-worth I have are only illusions, when in fact I have accomplished nothing to give me substance to be allowed a voice.
I felt the tears run down my face, but couldn’t even open my eyes to wipe them away… I forgot where I was or what I was doing… I lost the sense of time along with all my healing process in one song…