I woke up lonely today… It’s not that I don’t have friends or family… but I feel alone in my thoughts and alone in my dreams… I feel remote and distant from the world surrounding me, like I don’t belong. I don’t belong in this house, in this marriage, nor in this environment… I am lonely in trying to figure out what I want in my life or what I will be doing once the mummy phase is over. I am lonely living this routine continuous life of conformity.
I have been living with my husband for 11 years, but for the longest time now I haven’t felt that we share a life together, share plans or thoughts, fears or weaknesses… and I miss that. I miss connecting with someone on a profound mental and emotional level… that feeling of being safe and secure and stable without the constant need to protect myself from emotional anguish.
I wanted to take my daughters and travel somewhere this week, but i couldn’t! I feel guilty that they’re going to be stuck in the city and yet whom was i going to plan a trip with? My friends travel with their families and it is uncomfortable to be only one without my so called other half and my single friends travel to places where it wouldn’t be comfortable to take the kids along. I became distant from the people around me; I am considered married and coupled with someone but I am not! I am a single married mom!!
I am I to travel alone with them? Would he allow it or make my life hell just for planning it! Would he help pay for it or would he want to come along… but i don’t want to travel with him!
All these thoughts came rushing to me this morning…
Why am i feeling this way? Why is it suddenly bothering me so? Is that because I grew codependent? Is it a normal human need to want to connect with people not just have them in our lives? Does one need to have passion in their lives to feel alive?
It might just be the full moon draining my energy …