There are unbelievable highs and lows that come along trying new sexual practices and, for the longest time, mine have been locked in my own fantasy world. Aside from its morality, having recently unbagged the daemon that is exposing myself to another, my fantasy world has been coming out one by one.
It’s absolutely wonderful to have a friend in my life to share my deepest erotic fantasies with and I find it exceedingly hot to have him share his with me, without judgment, no matter what the fantasies are… no matter if his’ are things or acts I would myself engage in. Having him reveal part of himself to me does turn me on… it somehow attracts me to him more. Probably because the intimacy is growing and this type of comfortable openness is strengthening our connection, which both excites me and scares me and maybe because the comfortableness he has with me to confess his deepest desires arouses me.
However, having never really acted upon my own sexualities or disclosed myself like that before, it is still hard for me to be that naked, that honest, that candid. There is still this conservative appearance, I have been obliged to pretend my whole life, that is still taking over. I still shy away from things I would, with no hesitation, be saying and doing to him in my head. I still find myself self-conscious about what i am doing, what he thinks of me or what I sound or look like or seem like to him. I have been nevertheless living in the most judgmental environment there is, where each word and every act has been watched and scrutinised, so I cannot help myself from fearing judgment or fearing awkwardness.
But, I do not want to feel like that around him… I defiantly do not want to disrupt my safe zone. Do I just stop? Or will it get easier?