It was only all virtually sexual until that moment… it turned factual.. physical .. alive!
It was actually happening … and it felt nice, it felt right, but it was fast and incomplete and the setting was bad. He left and I went blank, worried about all the non-essential feelings I know don’t matter; fear of judgment, details of it all…
The rest of the day was going really fast that I didn’t have time to stop and really grasp what has happened, but then at one point as I looked myself in the mirror while getting dressed to go to dinner… it hit me.
This really happened.. This is not casual.. This will not be a friends-with-benefits kind of arrangement if I let myself go. This was so overwhelming.
I was overwhelmed by the amount of emotions that came rushing all at once; fear, passion, lust, intimacy, bliss, contentment, anxiety and something I still cannot explain.. a huge wave of emotions came rushing into my heart, but the one thing I did not feel was guilt! How could that be! Guilt is the most familiar feeling I know; it has sadly been the drive to do or not to do… but not now, not here! Why? Did my values change? Is it because the painful marriage I believe for me is over? But he is still married as well … and although this is his choice, it’s on me as well!
Nevertheless, I was also overwhelmed by how not wrong it felt, more than I ever imagined it would be!
I have only felt these overpowering feelings once, years ago, when my childhood best friend and I hooked up. We stayed together for four years after and when we broke up I had lost my friend. I don’t make friends that deep that often and never like that and I do not want this one to get ruined.
I should not be feeling this way, whatever it is. I should not allow it, albeit the serenity that came with it.
I keep asking myself, wasn’t it all just physical to start with? Did I miss the signs of it being more or this is all just in my head?! When did I start liking him this way! It did slip out being half drunk and texted him.. but that was more… real! Does he? Is it still just and only physical for him? Do I want it to be more for him? How can it be more? Did he feel guilt?!
Anyhow, he touched me deep beneath the surface and I felt him!
I know I am strong enough to block all this out… tune it down to only some passionate lustful playful thing or turn it off completely to just physical, but… do I want to? do I have to?