I know that, at the end of the day, how my life turned out to be is a result of all my choices and that they are all on me… but they were all choices played in someone else’s game!
I was born to a single powerhouse mother that made a name for herself through a high profile job. She has sacrificed her personal life for both my sister and I and indeed asked for returns all through the way, calling out every effort she put and every sacrifice she’s done and every penny she’s spent every chance she got.
She only knew how to show her love through overprotectiveness and over possession and worry. The combination of these three made her in constant needing to know where I was and with whom I was at all times and regardless of the number of people she’d get involved… food and my health came on the highest of priorities and of course she was always focused that I wouldn’t hang around the wrong crowd. Traveling with friends was most of the time a no no, because of accidents and image and most importantly, going out always took a battle of negotiations, or sometimes a series of lying, dating, of course, was a very tricky subject. Whomever I befriended or dared to date was never up to her standards, she’d find faults in everyone and kept pushing them away in every way she ever could. Every move in my life was a difficult and every decision I wanted to take was a combat of negotiations and confrontations! And lots of which were rebelliously chosen!
Emotions for her came after last! She’d arrogantly dismiss me if I ever cried or showed weakness in front of her… She never gave me a compliment, thinking it would make me snobbish… She hated hugging or cuddling and never ever asked how I felt. She was always distrusting and rightfully or not suspicious of ever word I said and even my own feelings she never believed.
Around my mid 20s she managed to push away the one person I had really ever fallen in love with, he was by all means my soul mate and that made me angry beyond words. I dated a few after, but then stuck to one and pushed every limit to marry him against her will… total rebellious mode! Did not believe a word she said about him, I thought she was just being her, I thought it was only her possession or overprotectiveness or worry talking. Unfortunately with him she wasn’t that far off, or maybe her way has created the monster she called him out to be… I would never know!
But she was right… difference in social and economic standards did make a difference. Our value systems and how we viewed religion was different of course many more differences appeared along the way, but this is not why I am writing this…
She didn’t hesitate to tell him to his face how she saw him and how this difference would affect us, which of course made him angry and he answer and treat her with aggression in return. He’d find messages on my phone telling me how terrible he is for me, and how she viewed his family and his upbringing. I thought she was over exaggerating and gave him every excuse to talk bad about her and talk back at her… So it was a very rocky start.
I defended him for her and in my head that I think I built an image of him in my head that was not true, was not him! I created this amazing guy by all my defensiveness!
We finally did get married and for him, the wedding was probably like winning a battle and that was its feast celebration.
Soon after, his abuse began… of course I didn’t think of it as abuse then, for me it was he was simply lashing out at me… and because I felt sorry for him, I let go of every small and big insult and degrading comment I got from him. I thought if I let it go it will eventually fade. If I let him believe he’s better he’d let go of what she has said about him and how inferior she made him feel.
But naturally that wasn’t the case… it kept escalating over the years until I myself started to believe his berating and demeaning and damaging comments and about me and I became it! I felt like I failure until I eventually became one. I, of course, pushed back and defended and try to prove myself so he’s appreciate me … it took me so long to see the truth about what was happening and for me to get more centred and aware.
On the other hand, she never stopped! To me! She’d talk shit about him every chance she got, criticize him, compare herself to him, telling me what I’m missing, making me feel guilty for leaving her and traveling, guilty for breaking her heart after what she has done and sacrificed for me… and the list goes on! I’d apologies, reassure her that I haven’t changed, reassure her that he hasn’t broken me against her and that he doesn’t hate her, defend him to her…
I was always trying to make them both happy, which tore me apart! I would have the other in my head in every conversation or plan I had with the other. He could’ve been more diplomatic and rise above what she says and thinks about him and how she treated him, which might have changed her mind about him. And I could have been wiser in blocking her and cutting the cord between us. Lot’s of could’ves and should’ves… but it is what it is! And of course she could have let it played out by itself!
And 14 years later and I’m still struggling and torn in-between! He became the emotionally, verbally and physically abusive husband that he is now… and She became the mother that is shaming me with all her i told u so’s! She might have not been completely right then, but now she defiantly is!
It will forever be unclear to me whether this marriage is what it is because of her or no matter what it would have turned out to be exactly the same! But at least now, I have them both with their selfish need and criticising comments and hatred towards each other out of my system! I know it will always be an internal battle to stay clean from them, but from now on whatever I choose is a choice in my own game, not theirs!