I do not want one more person to ask how I am or what I am doing in my life nor for a living or else I’ll burst out in screams! I stopped complaining, stopped sharing and I am cocooning into my own self! I say: good… ok… life… stressed… kids… surviving… lack of sleep… nothing much… anything nondramatic in order not to have to explain or re-explain!
But really … What am I supposed to say?
… That I wake up crying every morning and find tears running down my face every time I give my life a minute of thought… that I just power through the days… that I’m living on the years long hope that my life will one day start … that I have to sail against a stormy tornado to make my current one stop and for the real one to start… that I am scared shitless of being a single mom…
… That being only a mother is never going to be enough for me, yet I have no space, time, or any kind of support to be otherwise… that no matter what anyone says I still feel shame saying it… that my responsibilities as a mother is eating me alive and that although all are my choices, they are a burden and that I need help… that ironically I still need to figure out what I want to do with my life and no time between the chores, the kids, the family drama to even figure it out… that my dreams and passions are spread over a wide spectrum of disciples that makes me vastly confused… that even if I do figure it out, they have no place in the stretched out routine of my current days… That I actually have no idea how to be my own support system! That everyone in my direct life is just overly selfish, without an ounce of empathy and compassion.
… That I always have to explain how on my own I am, regardless of how it looks like on the outside! That when I ask my mother or friends or sister for any support with kids, to have sometime for myself, they most often decline saying don’t you have a husband and when I ask him, he always claims some crucially important phase he is going through and that he has no time to help or that it isn’t his job to do so, and then later criticises me for having no life… that I am tired of going the extra mile and asking for help and getting rejected… that I am tired of being defensive and explaining why I am not giving everyone my all, when in fact that is my all… that I feel I am going to be forever punished for a choice I made 14 years ago!
How am I to explain… that I lived my life being abused when on the face of it I should be grateful… that I miss passion and intimacy in my life, while I am still married… that I haven’t been rightfully touched for as long as I remember… that I long to be loved without judgments or criticism with all my imperfections and loss of way … that I long to feel that I matter; to someone, to life, to humanity… that I suffer ever moment in my day to exorcise guilt out of my heart and mind… that I haven’t felt a moment of security in my life… that I am lonely… that I am so afraid of sharing my life with someone, cause I am ashamed that I barely have a life that getting old without accomplishing much is the most heart breaking thought to me…! That I am not sad, I’m just unhappy and unfulfilled and unsatisfied!
How am I suppose to face another argument of… yes he is still in my life even though he is violent, abusive and mean, but I am still so damn afraid of ending it completely … that yes he did not move out and he does not want to move out and that confronting him again is not one bit less scary than the times before… that I do not have anything to give to the people who ask the most of me, because they have lost their right to ask after draining it all out!
So please stop asking that unanswerable question, because it is not something I can answer honestly or directly and defiantly not briefly. And if I do, you will probably never want to talk to me again!