Another child to my broken marriage

I projected my life on someone… I know, I know …I shouldn’t have. I don’t really know if people with drama and issues in their lives should even be allowed to give advise, because somehow there has to be even a small ounce of projection in there! And that is probably what I did even though I do believe in what I said!

Having my second daughter, bless her, soul is amazing, and it really was a miracle by all means; born 30 weeks, weighing 1.1Kg, survived two months in the NICU with constant desaturations and sleep apneas, a PFO, a heart aneurysm and constant scares that she wont make it. But, she definitely wasn’t planned. It was a stupid horny night, where nature worked against protection.

Back then, I wanted to end my marriage, right before I knew I was pregnant with her. I couldn’t take another day with him, another day trapped into this suffocating world, and I was doing it alone with one child anyways. I was just done with postpartum depression, one step away from finishing my Maters in Law and had several jobs lined up right after and I was done! Just one week after I took the decision I found out I was pregnant. Everyone kept telling me it’s going to be different with the second, the marriage might get better, it’s not fair for a baby to not be born into a marriage, you will not be able to do it on your own with a toddler running around, it’s better for your daughter to have a sibling, …

The pregnancy wasn’t going well, with bleedings and early contractions and complications, I thought to myself then; if it doesn’t end on it’s own, it might be a sign for a second chance for this marriage and if the pregnancy does end, it would be a definite sign for the marriage to end.

But she did manage to make it into this life of ours regardless of the odds… and because of her and for her I stayed 3 more years right where I was… and because of them I am still afraid to leave an abusive destructive husband and marriage. So I can totally imagine, if any marriage was even a tiny bit better or decent than the one I have, the fears of leaving with more than one child would be tremendous. Even a loveless one would go on easily because of the kids. But why would anyone decide to have another child into any unhappy marriage is still beyond me, but I certainly shouldn’t be the one to advise one that!

She undoubtedly really is a joy to have in my life and defiantly makes me laugh, in between driving me insane of course. She is pretty strong willed and defiantly knows what she wants and would push every button to get it. Her personality and persistence amazes me. She is a fighter and hopefully continues to be in this inhumane, sexist, racist, financially driven world we live in. She knows how to talk to people, how to make friends, how to entertain herself and how to protect herself. She was a survivor as a baby and now as a child. She is cute and her hugs bring serenity in my heart. My daughters are pretty close as well, though they fight a lot, they also entertain each other a lot and love each other and hopefully one day they will have each other’s backs. It might have been nice to have a big family… but for me it was not worth it if it ends up to be a broken family anyways.

Nevertheless, it’s has it’s pros and cons having more than one child and if it weren’t for my uninvolved husband and lack of support in general and this miserable marriage I would not have ever had an issue nor probably ever complained, even if I only did want only one. I still don’t think it was fair for anyone, bringing another person into this world. Another soul that I would be responsible for all their personality traits, upbringing, their effect in this world, etc… that I would have to be the definition of love to them and help them make sense of life and emotions and relationships, that would have to witness this relationship, that would watch and experience pain and coldness and a suffocating mother at that small age. A child should be wanted and loved and experiencing love all around them.

Doing it alone with two children was defiantly not a reasonable choice for either of them nor for myself. It is hard and painful and I can barely breath to enjoy them both and too damn tired to be happy, and the guilt of that is killing me everyday. By the time you fix something with one, the other has already broken something else, feeding both is a disaster from hell, bathing both is a waterfall in the bathroom, with water everywhere and two naked kids jumping on the bed abd crying not to brush their hair and by the time you dress one, the other is already undressed. They fight together like hating monsters and i can barely keep my calm. Having two girls, means pmsing from day one and a two radio stations on at the same time all the time. I have two different personalities that i would have to deal with differently, punish differently and love differently. Not enough bonding time nor alone time with either, because there is only me and two of them. I really really wish I could give each one of them my all, talk to each one all the time, be fair all the time, calm each one enough, be emotional and loving to them consistently and even punish them fairly, but again it’s just me and me is tired.

So these are my thought, my experiences and beliefs, but who am I to say that goes for everyone? Who am I to say that a second child might not fix any other marriage and maybe staying together longer even for the sake of a child is for a greater good, who am I to say that a child to a non-passionate marriage is any better than a child to divorce. Who am I to put myself in other people’s shoes and condemn a child to be an only one, or to say that it is hard, just because it was on me? Who am I to talk about how luck or un-lucky only-childeren are, specially if born to non-selfish parents who know that they don’t own them and are only having them to satisfy their own needs? Who am I to judge? The only thing I could say is that it should to be a choice, you have to actually want it, so you can give it another piece of yourself and even cut a big chunk of the piece you have already given the first to give to the other/s!

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