They say parents are the most forgiving, and their love for you is unconditional, but I think the most hidden truth is that some parents do not forget their children’s fuck-ups no matter how much they change or make amends.
Anytime something small slips, the whole history comes to surface. My mother remembers every single mistake I ever did since I was a child (seriously the other day she brought up something I did when I was 4), … every lie, every time I got angry, every time I disappoint her, every and anything since I was a kid… and she still until today uses them against me every chance she gets.
She became an impossible person to please and at the same time she’s getting older and more sensitive and lonely and I do want to spend good and quality times with her, and be there for her, but it is absolutely impossible! She treats me with so much anger and disappointment in her eyes and tone of voice that I either want to just curl up into a ball in the corner of a room behind a bed like a scared 3-year-old or to shake her so hard till the anger and my past runs out of her!!!
She is now living and feeding on the poor me complaining attitude that I have always let her down, while she was and still is this out of this world mother who has sacrificed her time and effort and money for me! Seriously … money and worry!! When was money and worry the expression of love?? Not to sound like a wuss, but isn’t a mother’s hug and her reassuring and loving words supposed to be the best ever? Aren’t parents supposed to be forgiving and forgetting!
Do I have to spend the rest of my days apologising?!? Do my mistakes define me as I am now no matter how much I try? How do I as an adult approaching midlife, still need to prove myself? Had I never hurt her in the past, maybe these slips wouldn’t have meant much I guess! But, does she think I’m supposed to be an angle in the hiding?!!
She finds ways to insult me and hurt me and push me away, so she can complain that I’m away! I stretch my day to find the time for her and do go out of my way to see her and be with her even when i’m beat and that never counts for anything… and probably never will!!
I am physically and emotionally exhausted to be brought down to my mistakes all the time.
I do feel for her and understand where she is coming from, a single mom with two girls, raising them on her own must have been tough, but why am I supposed to pay for that too… and what I don’t get is her total lack of compassion!