Virtually Violated

Around two weeks back this girl contacted me via Instagram … She started by talking to me about this guy I knew… I went to high school with, and claimed is a common friend on Instagram… the conversation seemed pretty random and innocent until it wasn’t.

He … was a grade older and we never really talked, though we were friends on facebook somehow. Anyways around a year ago I contacted him… I knew he had some yoga background, so I sent him a message asking about yoga retreats in Europe. We started chatting and to my surprise he started telling me about how much he liked me and that he has been following me on facebook for years. I was really surprised, because along the years I don’t think we had more than a sentence long conversation… like me, really!? I went along, and tried not to lead him on and kept bringing the conversation back to yoga and practice. Out of no where, he started texting stuff like: you should be treated like a princess and I want to massage your body and rub your feet. I was like what!!! I made it clear how uncomfortable this is making me feel and that he has to stop… he just went on… so I blocked him and … that was that!

Anyways, so back to the girl… she starting telling how hot she thought he is and that how come I never hooked up with him, called him some kind sex god!! Seriously him!! I just told was married and I didn’t think of him that way and that I didn’t like him the way he talked to me then.. I told her if she liked so much why doesn’t she contact him. She wrote back and said she did and he kept telling her how much he likes me and I quote “… he likes you a lot and that you took a wrong decision long time ago and he always thought that u r the best on earth and he wants to feel your energy and massage you cause you turn him on physically and mentally and spiritually”… again what?! And what’s up with the massages! Curiosity got the best of me and went on to chat with her and see where this was leading. I would try to divert the conversation to get to know her better, but regardless what I said or whether I’d reply or not, which I have limited to one word replies, she still went on… to an extent that I thought she was him, so I asked he a couple of questions and she didn’t understand so maybe it wasn’t him… but what does she want?

My curiosity wouldn’t stop and I really wanted to know where on earth does she think this conversation will lead. Three days ago she sent saying that she slept with a girl for the first time and that she wished that was me!! Again what!! She started to creep me out, but I told her I was flattered and just didn’t check her messages until I did… there were several messages along the lines of when I imagine you and him together it gets me wetand You both are so exotic I want to see his dick inside of you… How, in the name of all what is holly, did the conversation take the turn from we have a common friend to and I quote “I want to kiss both our feet and lick his cum out of you”!! Has that become like normal lingo you talk with to a person you hardly know? And why is she sharing a naked picture of him with me… oh yes she sent me picture of his dong!!! Was that her way of trying to turn me on?

She definitely has guts, I’ll admit that, but how can someone have such audacity to send someone they have never met such sexually vulgar and detailed thoughts, what did she expect! Nonetheless, I did send her saying that I felt she invaded my personal sexual space and that I hardly know her to share with her any of my intimate thoughts or experiences… Yesterday, I found a missed call from a number in Austria, where, as far as remember, he used to live! Of course I didn’t answer, but wtf? Is he stalking me?

What shocked me were my feelings about all that! I felt so disgusted and violated and virtually raped!! I feel completely and utterly turned off, and not just from them. Who is she/he??? I felt terribly dirty to even start this conversation or lead it on, one way or the other. Do I give out that vibe, that I’m sexually easy or approachable? I feel disgusted for even allowing her/him to cross the line, knowing somewhere deep inside that she might! But why do I feel violated and embarrassed? I ironically also have a sense of ugliness for crossing my marital boundaries? But why do I feel guilty? Why couldn’t I just go along just for fun?

More importantly, why didn’t I keep that barrier up with him (the lustful friendship friend)? He is the only one who somehow found his way in and made it into my life. Did he approach me because he thought I was easy, does he think that? Did I put out an unguarded vibe then? Was I asleep or blind in the part where he was hitting on me, and I woke up and found myself attracted! I just let him and I didn’t stop nor run! But why did I only ever opened up for him? … With him, I crossed my limit, broke my vows of marriage and tore through my walls of intimacy and sexuality and showed him some of my long-buried true colours. Perhaps … for some kind of connection or maybe I felt we are both guarded by a sense of responsibility or maybe I trust him … I don’t know, however, I did let my guards down. I thought it would be easy to do it again, with anyone… to just let go … and carry no sense of guilt and let some joyful sexual conversation with someone take it’s course, but it’s not at all easy! Apparently I am that person who doesn’t like to open up or let go to just anyone and guards herself and her sexuality, that wouldn’t probably ever go for a one-night-stand nor easily give in to anyone hitting on her..

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