I only wanted to say no, but didn’t… I couldn’t stop imagining his reaction to the rejection… the looks of anger and disappointment after… the guilt trips; that I am turning every good moment into a negative… the blame; that I am the one who doesn’t want or know how to enjoy the moment.
I could hear the words NO and STOP and ENOUGH angrily and pleadingly ringing in my head as I smiled… I was screaming them inside but my expression couldn’t reflect them… I got used to the I’m not afraid of poker-face and body language until it now became my natural expressionless expression… as if he by some miracle should hear it from inside me… until my body gave in and my mind decided to follow… I let go thinking maybe it’s going to feel real, maybe it wont hurt this time and I might as well enjoy the moment… I let go and let him touch me!
But it wasn’t ok and I had to close my eyes and imagine a different person and a different scene. He knew exactly how to make me come and as I was tears kept rolling down my face and the second it was over… I couldn’t stop them anymore, my emotions took over and I immediately got up and ran to the bathroom to burst into loud cries. It really hurt that I was too damn weak to say NO, regardless of the consequences! Has he broken me that much or was I always that way?
This time I actually saw myself going down into the quick sand and down the rabbit hole! I could see myself, but too weak to resist! I should be buried alive for being such a weak person, not being allowed the luxury to ever be a free human again, for I am who is not stopping! Don’t you remember how much you have hurt me along the years?
He was first sweet, and told me not to worry and to just cry it out and very subtly his criticism started that I didn’t really realize at first how mean he was. He started judging and scrutinizing and saying things like you have no idea how to enjoy happy moments and always stuck in the past and selfish and … bla bla bla!