Relationships Cycle vs Mine

Everyone changes over time and so do marriages. The cycles in marriages could either bring a couple closer together or makes them grow more distant. Although we get into relationships thinking they should be the securest and most reliable entity, they are very precarious… just one wrong turn and they go down…

A healthy cycle I imagine, not that I’m an expert at all, would start with a Passion and Commitment Phase, during which they love and long and want to be together, pumped up with euphoria and high on their own endogenous drugs. This honeymoon phase may get people started, but it defiantly will not keep a couple together, for it is estimated to last from 6 months to a year maximum. Next comes the Reality and Realisation Phase, where you actually get to know each other, your faults, personality traits and discover differences, disagreements and usually entails healthy communication and learning how to be your individual-selves within the relationship. It’s where your Reaction to each and every difference and disagreement matters, where you should learn to accept and respect each other and show how much are you open to change. If you survive this one, the next phase is the Everyday Life, I guess, where work and kids and logistics and money and life consumes you and couples tends to set aside emotions and passions and self-awareness and focus on their chores and responsibilities. However, sooner or later you get into the Rebellious or Resistance Phase, during which you start defending your individuality. That is then followed by the Evaluation Phase, which is when you realise that you need passion and love and a real relationship with the person you are with. You start evaluating the marriage, your happiness, the environment you are in. It might entail taking time apart, doing things individually, productively talking together about each other’s issues and reassess your lives together… maybe making an inventory of your relationship or counselling etc… . For a worthy functioning relationship, the final phase is usually Re-committingto each other and to the marriage and agreeing on your rules of engagement to move forward.

cycle

MyMarriage Cycle is not anywhere near that I guess. But of course, who can compare a normal healthy relationship, good be it or bad, to an abusive one. Well anyways it looks something like this:

  • open up, let my guards down and convince myself that he changed and I should give him, the marriage and our family another chance…
  • We start the Honeymoon Phasewith lots of sex and smiles and intellectual talks… well not really a honeymoon, but just indulging in the only thing we know how to do together… Sex
  • After the Honeymoon-ish, comes the Realisation and Rebellion Periodwhere each of us gets to realise and remembers who really are. In normal marriages this supposedly followed by them opening up and accepting each other and learn to respect differences and supposedly show openness to change. With us it different, because we do not talk about anything and eventually my disappointments and expectations grow with the no confrontations nor communications allowed, except on immaterial subjects. He slowly goes back to his usual selfish self; no talking, no sharing, no caring, with a huge void to be filled with … I’ll do whatever I want whenever I want and you should be satisfied by what you have and eventually obey.
  • If I dare to complain or get pissed he takes over the microphone and I am stuck listening to his own big show-off monologue where he doesn’t like to be interrupted and my opinions don’t matter and he’s the defendant and judge, where he starts pouring a bucket of criticism on top of me… So lets call this one the Talking Period/Emotional Abuse
  • Now the Building Up Phase… lots of resentment builds up which any wee bit of disagreement triggers his anger and I get the same bucket of criticism topped off with an even bigger bucket of scrutiny and violence and anger and all what that entails… but at least the break period takes longer than if I start the complaining… We barely talk and I walk around carrying the hurt or blame or resentment or whatever his targeted bullet was charged with within me…
  • I start to think that he might be right, maybe I am as shitty as he claims me to be… try to change… and meanwhile we try to stay out of each other’s hair for a while; his trigger points are many and I do not usually want to wake up the beast… the Self Hate Phase
  • He then lures me in… becomes his best-self, and becomes a touchy feely lustful playful fun hunter, tries to share and talk… etc. If I am not as happy about it as he expects me to be and show a tad of rejection
  • Right there… he starts implicitly guilt tripping me into giving in…
  • If the guilt trip works, we start again at point A … If it doesn’t it’s the Emotional Abuse Period starts, where I am be the bitch who doesn’t accept positivity… the asshole that show blocks happiness and finds ways to disrupt our lives, … the unsatisfied wife to a husband that wants to fix the marriage …and we go back to the lectures and the violence

Over the years it became shorter and the violence escalated from emotional to verbal to physical, the drifting apart became longer and wider and the criticism became more hurtful and deeper and his monologues became shorter but more painful… each time I wanted to love him more and start this never starting marriage, but I end up hating him more… over the years we became better at it… over the years I became weaker with less and less self-esteem… I became what he was criticising me to be… I became a person I hated… over the years I stopped believing in him or trusting him… over the years I started to master the poker face of I’m not afraid of you, though I feared him more and more… I mastered the poker face of all my emotions and I don’t know when exactly but over the years I fell out of love…

This time I decided it was over, I started building up my walls, worked on myself, yoga, meditation, healing, therapy, studying whatever and whenever I can… I started feeling centered and confident and even stopped hating him… or blaming him… I put my foot down a few times and… I even had a plan out… This time it was over!!! I was so damn close…

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