Someone who loved me better

I could’ve been with someone who didn’t make me feel so unhappy and suppressed all the time. I could’ve been with a person who treated me well, which I have learnt is apparently a right not a privilege. I could’ve had something better with someone who loved me better. I should’ve been in an non-abusive non-threatening relationship. I should’ve been with someone who didn’t scare me and wanted to change me to an extent that I had to painfully chop off my wings myself. But instead, I ran away from a narcissistic mother into the arms of a narcissistic husband, where he destroyed whatever was left of me then and broke whatever I could’ve become… until I am now suffocating on my own breath. I can constantly hear the sound of my heart racing every moment he is in my life and I just want it to stop. 

Dear Husband, please let me go in peace. I don’t want to tell you again and again that I don’t want you. I don’t want to have to say No over and over! Why do you assume that I’m better? When did we fix anything or ever resolved a single issue between us. How do you believe I am still into you and want you? Just please refrain from trying to touch me or kiss me and please please stop attempting to say anything nice because it does not matter anymore and I genuinely do not believe u… it is merely your horniness talking and moving and wanting. I don’t want to be rude and don’t want to have to repeatedly reject you, because it is not in my nature to do so, thus it hurts.  Ironically, it hurts when I hurt you. I also do not want to see and feel and hear the aftermath of declining your desire for me. I do know how to enjoy a moment, just when u’re not around… I do know how to let go, but not with you and I do know how to forgive, but I am done forgiving you. Your credit score is in the very negative and it will take you years and lack of ego that you don’t know how to give up just to hit nil. Maybe mine is the same with you too. So lets just admit defeat and call it for what it is…

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