Flashbacks of my Infidelity…

Two weeks have passed and I think it is finally sinking in. It was my first time with anyone else in 14 years… and it took almost 14 days for it to start to soak in and feel real. He’s my first kiss, my first fuck and my first (and probably last) crush during my marriage. I never thought I’d ever feel anything for anyone. I never thought I’d ever cheat, I never thought I’d give myself to anyone else, let alone a married man.

Yet, ironically, that feeling of having a secret intimate connection, a special something with someone, which only you both know about, has a certain high to it… a sense of excitement and adventure, filled with fascination and infatuation that makes you escape reality. It helps you feel alive and reignite your sexuality, with a temporary power trip… an adrenaline and dopamine rush that makes it Hot…

With him, I felt something I never thought I’d ever feel again, a warm feeling filled with gentility and respect and passion. I’m not one to open up, but he was special and different and real; a genuine person, with insecurities and doubts and mood swings and daily challenges with his own-self… an old and kind soul, who’s gentle and centred and empathetic… and yes very horny. But, it is as if he’s known me for years and our energies have somewhere met prior to this life. The space between us is a safe one, where we’d talk and share, feel comfortable to show weaknesses and fetishes and joy and fears… all in honestly and with no judgment. We’d disconnect for days and then talk as if no time has passed.

I know… there are no excuses to infidelity but lust, though I truly believe we brought more to our lives than we thought we would.

He invited me over again and I thought, like every other time before, it would eventually fall through without me having to block it from my side… the timing, the setting, the mood, he panics…, something that makes either off us back off. But this time, it slowly kept moving forward and the closer it was to happen, I began to freak out… until shortly before it was time to meet… I had no idea how I felt then… we have barely been talking for almost 2 weeks before and it was the first time between us that it started to feel as if we’re fading apart, so I was scared that if we go through with it, he’d disappear on me after or that I would freak out and cocoon away. I was honest, probably a blunt turnoff, and told him lets meet and see how comfortable it is and fortunately he said he was ok with that!

I went and we met and we talked and talked… we talked about our kids, life, religion, faith, friends… we caught up and I started to again remember how easy it was to be around him. It was so relaxed and nonchalant. Then, with no prior notice, he moved from the couch he was sitting on to kiss me, while gently asking of whether he may. I felt a tad shy for a second… like a teenager, being hit on for the first time ever. But then… I lost track of every doubt and scenario of freaking-out I had in my head… my thoughts stopped and it felt right, felt natural… and before I knew it we were right there fucking on his couch… eyes locking, skin on skin, two naked souls hungry for passion. I can probably never describe it, except that it was real and comfortable and nice, nothing awkward, nothing uneasy. I wasn’t self-conscious about where I was or who I was or what we were doing. In a way I have had already unveiled too much of me to him… and this was just me.

Until today, I keep remembering scenes from that night, memories that come rushing in my soul without permission; some make me smile, some turn me on, and some scare me to bits. I get flashbacks of him inside me… his lips on mine… tongues intertwined… the gentle way he rolled his fingers down my back and touched my skin… the softness of his voice as he whispered in my ear… his so familiar scent … his naked flesh underneath my palms and fingertips… our conversations during before and after… the way I felt for him when I was lying there in his arms…

Nevertheless, fucking him is starting to fade from being dreamy to feeling real and my uncertainties and dreads are surfacing insanely and catching up with what happened! We both have separate lives, families and responsibilities and contemplations about how are own futures will move. We both have separate plans and paths involving significant others.

But with all these complicated feelings, one thing I know I feel… I miss him …

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