The awkwardness of reconnecting…

It is very strange when you grow close to someone and then you suddenly detach, and the more time passes the more awkward it becomes to randomly get in touch again.

He used a word a couple of months back… disconnect… and what a descriptive word it is. As harmless as it may seam, it carries so much meaning to it… detachment from any emotional connection, unbinding from daily life sharing, stop relying on each other for comfort, disengaging, facing reality as it is without unnecessary distractions, pulling the plug and fading out of the current that has been linking us together… and we have been disconnected for a while now and it was random at first, but today I realized two things, the first; is that I am not dependant on it like i may have thought and second; that it is surprisingly very uncomfortable. 

I was about to send him a message today asking for a small favour, nothing I would not ask a regular friend for, but I couldn’t! It suddenly got to me that we haven’t been in contact for a while now, and I have no idea whether his disconnection was intentional or not. It probably scares me even more than I would like to admit… I don’t really know how he felt about us, that night, our intimacy and I couldn’t dare to ask. Maybe it is just a passing fuck to him and he no longer is interested and maybe not. Will hooking up causes me his wonderful friendship? But he has been disconnecting little by little and perhaps this is his way of him sending me a message that he wants away or did he panic? I am just a-filler to something he lacks in his marriage? Am I just an old fantasy fuck he wanted to fulfil? Would he ever judge me? The sex was an itch that I had to scratch, and maybe it was only that for him! It is also not at all impossible that I am reading too much into things. Nevertheless… I showed too much of myself to him and now I feel naked and vulnerable and nervous!

Am I only attached because I have been yearning for someone to treat me with gentleness and care? Is he someone who completed what I have been missing in my marriage, my life? Oh dear.. why doesn’t my mind stop!

But… I find myself thinking of him, wanting to share my days with him; getting turned-on by passing memories in my head… wanting more time with him… I craving being in his arms and miss his laugh. I also miss our talks and hearing about his day and his life and his thoughts and talking about random topics and issues… It wasn’t just the sex that triggered it; it was probably building up along the months I’ve got to know him… 

And… the more I find myself lusting over him, the more it scares me to the extent that I then force myself to stop… I tell myself we both are still in very long-term relationships… this is not an affair

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