Although we have been together for over a decade, raised children and shared a home, I don’t believe we ever really had a marriage… we have never had a we or us relationship, never a unified position! It wasn’t until recently that I was able to truly really admit that to myself that I have been waiting for this marriage to start, but I was never single nor married!
So what do you do when u have gradually grown faint of a marriage and totally faded away from single life and still do not belong to the single parenting squad… when you sort of belong nowhere in the social scene. Maybe it is just a women thing… but I find myself lonely in the space in-between. And it is astonishingly strange that statistics claim such an astounding high percentage of divorced single parents, yet I very rarely encounter one!
Going out with couples does not make sense anymore; they make me feel uncomfortable just by their mere existence… And besides, all of our coupled friends have already taken us off of their dinner list years ago. I can’t even plan getaways with other families because it is always only I and two little kids. They say that when you are single, your female friends become territorial for their mates, well I am there already, but seriously… as if I really want another man in my life, let alone theirs! Anyways, can’t plan trips with my single friends when I have kids that I’m the only one to take care of. Summers and vacations are a lost cause, and what would be so much fun about a vacation where it is only myself running around two little girls! Play-dates are my to go outings now.
Meanwhile I’m bound to all these responsibilities and a supposedly co-parent who constantly tells me act as if I’m not here! But he is… still here… for hours… sitting there on his phone and screens, watching me come and go, running errands, cooking, tidying up, feeding two little people and washing and changing and putting them to bed. Hearing me ache from inside out.
When I ask for help, people look at me and I can see the question in their eyes, where is the husband! Ohhh… I don’t know
Why doesn’t this marriage end already… I’ve asked him to move out, I’ve begged him to let this go, I told him that my love for him is over, even the hate is gone! The only attached feeling to him is fear… I truly still fear him, I’m trying to get a place of my own, but it’s taking so much time that I cannot bear one more minute of. Does he know how miserable I am, being a married single parent!
Yes, they say that being a divorced single parent will lose me the protection status that marriage offers, but obviously I have already lost that years ago… He has never been my support in anything, he has never done the husbandly stuff they talk about… barely been there or helped when I fell sick or needed him logistically nor emotionally… Even trips to the mechanic, handy work at home, doctor appointments, funerals… all alone, all me! If I tell him that, he calls me a wimp, a spoilt brat, a pampered princess!!
So what? I will not have time for myself with too much to do and hardly any time to be out or meet new people, well join my life now…
So hopefully it will probably be the same without him attached to my marital status!