It is difficult for people to comprehend, how lonely one gets when you are surrounded by people most of the time (well little people)… and how is it that I want to run away from the ones I cannot imagine living without? But is it mentally and emotionally exhausting and I don’t even feel like I’m giving it my all anymore… it feels like it’s slowly killing me and it is surely stressing them up! Maybe it’s because that I am not home by choice and my current circumstances are forcing me into it and because I’m doing it all alone without even someone to share the silly kids stuff with, well anyone who cares anyways…
So what do you do?
Ohhh… I’m just a stay-at-home-mother!
And every time this question comes up, it makes me feel useless, good for nothing, a nobody. There are millions of articles online about not to use the word “just”, but that is exactly how I feel!
I feel like people look at me as if I’m living life to the fullest, with absolutely nothing to do and no worries, getting pedicures and attending playdates while sipping Champaign every morning … what do you know about worrying, u have a husband that pays for everything! Oh shit, fuck! Seriously, do you think this is a nice thing! Do think I enjoy it?
This is not my reality!! I barely have time for myself, more times than ever I feel like the least important person in a group, any group… live a monotonous and tiresome day to day life… feeling isolated and lonely and drowning into this negative space of just time passing me by… barely any recognition, lack of respect, lack of income, feel like a burden on society. Not only that, but the mere pressures of being a stay-at-home mom, to be perfect and peppy can be overwhelming…. The pressure to have the perfect family, the perfect children, the perfect image and when I feel even shot of perfection, I feel like a Goddamn failure, which is 99% of the time. My children and home and family are my life, so why cat I get then to be perfect? I am in constant judgment with myself… am I ruining them? Am I a failure as a mother? Why can’t I give them my all, all the time when I have nothing else but them?
I’m extremely draining and tired and lost myself somewhere along the way. It is a non-stop job, 24/7 little sleep and often thankless. You are so busy you don’t know which way you are going half the time. You spend too little time actually at home. You learn to multitask out of necessity, walk fast, write lists and juggle a million things at once. I can barely identify the difference between the days anymore if it weren’t for their holidays and planed play-dates and trainings… their schedule, their needs, and their life! Which leads to the constant question in my head, how will they ever succeed in life with a failure as for a mother.
The idea that a stay-at-home-mother should have it all together because she’s home all day is outdated I think… and when you consider the impact of social media, that’s another story… I scroll through newsfeeds and instagram posts and see everyone’s happy and fun moments presented as if those were their normal lived moments, the pressure adds… which is completely irrational I know, but sometimes it gets to me…
How do does any stay-at-home-parent manage to keep their confidence up? Most of the tasks have become mindless tasks, which I don’t even do with pleasure like before. Yes, it’s nice to be around the kids, But even that I don’t have the energy for anymore to do full heartedly… Like seriously, how many times can you passionately help out with arts and crafts and Legos and baking and puzzles or and just even dancing and goofing around… how many times can say waaaaaww that’s beautiful babyin a day, let alone everyday! If that becomes your life … you might go crazy like I am right now, or might not.. I don’t know, but I defiantly am!
Maybe I’m just throwing a pity party right now, but that is how I am feeling. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 5 years, the only thing I have managed to accomplish during which is finishing my LLM dissertation and a MIT online course. But for the rest it’s been roaming into the nothingness. I try to get out of this, yoga, healing, eating right, get out once in a while… but for the most part it’s lonely.
I need to be doing more… I feel I really need to start working again before I go absolutely insane, but HOW? Who’s going to take over the kids or even help out? Like my previous post I’m a married single mom…