Living under Gunpoint…

UnknownLiving with an abusive husband is like living at gunpoint… he might get angry and fire his armed weapon anytime. The only difference is that his armed weapon is perpetually attached to him, literally… his fist, tongue, his petrifying eye contact… The weapons are many and the bullets are even more… humiliation, criticism, threat to hurt or embarrass me, blame me for his behaviour, treat me as a sex object, to physically hurting me…

Therefore… I need to always be careful of what I say and how I say it! I’m continuously afraid of when and how he would pull the trigger even as I’m walking away. Yes… sometimes the mood is calmer than others, but that does not in any way mean that the fear gets less… I always feel at gunpoint, it is always scary, and walking on eggshells has become my way of life in order not to trip on his erratic trigger points, because the moment I do let my guard down… that is probably when it will happen again! I try to pay closer attention to spot the subtle signs of his abusive attitude, but I don’t think I am any good at it, so now anything and everything is a sign.

Along the years, I began to avoid certain topics out of fear of angering him no matter how vital they are to talk about; avoiding them is much better that facing the bullets. So I start becoming passive and gave up every right to express my opinion, my feelings or my desires. This is ironically my only chance of survival and not being assaulted

Yet, sometimes, from the constant fear, I say fuck it… I give up and decide to commit suicide by saying what’s on my mind, but it doesn’t mean that I am not about to pee myself doing it!

A lot of the times, I was doubting yourself, thinking that it might be my fault, thinking I am the one who is going crazy here, he’s ok with the rest of the world, so why is it that I’m the only one he manages to hurt…

Some blame it on his pot addiction, others on lousy upbringing, others on the circle of friends… maybe he’s mentally disturbed… maybe he’s just going through a rough patch… or that he just lost his temper… So go ahead and blame it on alcohol, drugs, upbringing or yourself… every abused women has done that, one day like myself and all the others you will come to realise certain facts:

  • Many men who are straight up alcoholics or narcotics addicts have never laid a finger on their partners.
  • They ARE in control … from experience believe me abusers are very much in control… they act deliberately and forethought, and it is their way of controlling a situation.
  • Most abuse is emotional and psychological, without ever using any physical violence, which shows the extent of their control, out of control my ass…
  • Domestic abuse is not only a crime of the poor and uneducated. Unfortunately, domestic abuse is what anthropologist call, an ecumenical crime, it has no regard to age, financial status, educational background nor ethnicity…
  • Some abusers learn violence from their society, which make them feel that they have more power over women and exploit that power.
  • The vast majority of abusive men ARE NOT MENTALLY ILL, and think about it, if they are, why is it that he only abuses their women! – Not his coworkers, not strangers nor his friends?  This is just the saddist excuse for his behaviour…
  • There is no excuse for violence in any relationship
  • And most importantly, abuse almost always recurs in a cycleIf he has hurt you once, chances are he will do it again… that is one I did not believe until I became one of these women

Giving them an excuse is merely denying them the responsibility of their own actions, which is only for them and them alone to be blamed for… no matter what the trigger is.

Why doesn’t she leave?… Maybe she accepts or enjoys the violence?Seriously, you think I don’t want to!!!!… Here is the painful truth, because I am afraid, very afraid! Scared of the consequences of me leaving. Apparently, many abused women, not just myself, have become deviously financially dependent on their abusers, it is their way of staying on control… So where will she go or who would finance her or how is she going to find a job, when she was made to believe that she is good for nothing. Her self-esteem has been probably steadily worn down by years of criticism. And the most fearful of all is her fearing that her partner will change, reminiscing over the good old times when he was trying to win her over and her investment in this relationship is way too much for it to fail…

I never believed this until I have experienced it myself, I always looked at abused women and did not understand how on earth they are still there… How???? And now feeling judged for it is a very painful feeling!

But let me get one point straight… WOMEN DO NOT ENJOY VIOLENCE, nor find it a turn-on. Most abused women live in fear and terror and this is the most repulsive and nauseating way of blaming the victim for what is happening. And, no matter how appallingly the woman is behaving, that does not excuse the violence!!!

Lately, I have been living with my guards up and on a suicide mission, with one foot in the grave… I think the extent of fear I have been long living in has made me super angry all the time, so I’d rather see it coming… I feel dead anyways, so I might as well. I started speaking my mind and just waiting for it to come! I’m getting out… dead or alive!


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