Yesterday we went barbecuing in the desert. It was a birthday of friends’ daughter who was turning 11 and decided that she wants a family and friends gathering for the old and young generation, so we headed to a protectorate valley in the desert for the day.
My eldest had training that finishes at 2 and I wasn’t going to let her miss it, especially that she has her first competition first week of November. They were going to meet at 1:30 at the valley’s entrance and I knew I was going to be late, so in order to avoid conflict about time or logistics, I told my husband to separate ways, he would go with his friends and I would take the girls. He offered to take the younger one with him, which was nice, she was already fed and dressed, so he would not have anything to fuck up.
I sent the eldest with another parent to training and after he left with the little one, I packed the kids’ bags, including PJs in case they slept on our way back, straightened up the mess he has created the night before, passed by my mother to say hi, went to get the birthday girl a gift, and went to pick up my oldest from training and headed there. They had already gone around 2km into the valley, but still for my sister’s sedan car, that I have been borrowing for the past two weeks, to drive inside.
Anyways, the second I reached there, the chores began, of helping kids pee to feeding them and attending to wounds… they would come to me if they needed anything… I’m used to that, but where on earth is their father? Why can’t he help out with something, like anything? Ohhh yes, he’s high and drunk that he procrastinates and ignores them until they come to me! Funny enough, my five year old came and told me I don’t think daddy understands what I’m saying. But it was not just that he’s been drinking or high, he’s always been like even when sober, he’d do nothing. What is he good for then… no co-parenting, no passion, no sharing or communication … money and sex apparently are the husbands/fathers’ only responsibility! Fuck that I would rather live celibate and broke…
As we approached dark, I laid there on a mat on the floor, really soar from the day and of course the girls came all over me, we started singing and goofing around till we ended up doing some acro-yoga, something the kids and I love to do… then suddenly, as I was laying there, feet up with my three-year old sitting on my foot, she decided to jump and fell with her whole body, bum first on my face. My head was leaning on a rock, so it was like my head got crushed from both sides and I do think I blacked out for a second there and apparently I also screamed really loud, but from the buzzing in my head I couldn’t hear my own voice. She panicked and started crying, she thought she’d broken me… so I got up and hugged her and told her it was all fine and it was, at least I hoped so, just ended up with a painful nose.
A friend of mine urged me to go do a CT when we got home, she told me, do you think if something happens to you, he’s going to take care of the kids, take them to training and school and play-dates and arrange birthdays, nope… they will probably rotten at home as they are only fed gummy bears and junk food! She was right and this is someone that doesn’t really know any of the in’s or out’s of our life!
Seriously… what on earth would happen to them if I were gone?? Shit… why on earth did I ever bring children into this world, when there was no body to take care of them if I die?
I lay awake all night thinking, of what on earth would happen if I did end up dead or with a severe concussion that left me paralyzed? Who would or should I leave these pressures girls with? My bohemian sister who went off to God knows where 6 months ago and probably is never coming back, their dead beat father, my mother in-law, that has never taken care of her own kids and barely sees mine except on occasions once every few months, or my own mother, who thinks that the only proof of love is to feed them, and that is the only thing she would ever need to do… it doesn’t matter how healthy the food is, it doesn’t matter if they are sad or happy or heart-broken, as long as they are fed, other than that she would hand them an ipad all day long and blow smoke in their faces, because according to her second-hand smoking doesn’t not exist!
Everyone and anyone they would end up with is as selfish and narcissistic as it gets! I wish someone had told me that before I had any children… Do not have kids, if there is no one reliable in your support system to take care of them if you die!
Oh well… but we did have fun in the desert, that would have been a nice memory for them to remember me with. Open air, comfortable, in touch with nature…