What is wrong with the both of us? What made us so self-disrespectful? How did both of us turn out to be so fucked up?
Was is the way we were raised? Our parents loved us both so much, they have literally sacrificed every ounce of time and energy for us, were never stingy on money… maybe lack of affection or praise… but still none of us were abused nor molested as kids! We come from a good and decent background and highly educated from educated parents.
How did we both become such a disappointment for our selves and our parents?
Was it too much freedom or lack of freedom? Was it over protection or lack of protection?
Her best friend called me from london today telling me to check on her… and that he is very worried that something drastic or horrifying might have happened to her! I asked why so he said, he texted her yesterday: What the fuck? Where are you in my life? Given that he lives in a different country and is married. Her new boyfriend – that I nor her best friend knew anything about, because she’s been away for the past three months and has been close to radio silent since then and because she stopped sharing anything with anyone – sent him back voice notes filled with swearing and cussing and cursing and threatening to kill both of them!
I called her pretending I know nothing about what happened, she sounded like she’s been crying, but told me that she’s just been sleeping!
She brought another asshole abuser into our family… but what can I say? Who am I to talk? How can I even show face with what I have been enduring and allowing on myself from my own partner! I’m a person who’s been living with an abuser myself and cant get the guts to fight to leave and lately I have been physically involved with someone else, so I’m a cheater as well!! She’s a pretty, sexy, educated and smart… she could get a much better person who respects her and treats her well.. and many good ones have chased her for yrs!
But she’s my little sister and she genuinely was an angle and she’s been broken and I cannot do anything about it! I don’t know what or when she broke and I don’t know how to fix her…
And my mother, who raised us both single handedly, why does she deserve after all what she done for us to have her daughters allow themselves to stay in the hands of assholes and let themselves become nothing…
And to the world… it’s not just me now, it is both of us, it is a trend and the world will blame my mother and she has really done nothing to deserve that look from the world!
I am genuinely sorry that I have been such a miserable role model to my baby sister… I am sorry I let her down and I’m sorry I let my mother down and I definitely do not want to let my girls down!