Panicking after Sex?

How can any sexual encounter be so conflicting and full of contradicting emotions that at my age, with all experiences and traumas and tornadoes, I have never experienced something as such before? It was the most frightening feeling ever…

I’ll take a step back and trace the day or days preceding and leading to it…

I got a text telling to meet up, it was nice having someone who longed for me or wanted me… someone I liked and I could trust… but I couldn’t, I had meetings and work and kids to attend to, so I took a rain check or maybe I could have worked something out, but for some reason I didn’t go the extra mile.

A few days later he asked when I was free, so I gave him my schedule for the week and tried to move things around a little to make it happen. We made plans for the following Sunday, but he had an unfortunate family emergency then and it got delayed again… I thought it might have been a sign, it’s been almost six months since out last hook up… yes we talk, flirt a little, catch-up briefly every now and then… but nothing happens. Yes… I do miss him and long for him every now and then; maybe for the attention, or the conversations or the comfort zone… I don’t know. Anyhow, he reached out again mid-week and we decided on another day … I made plans for pickups and play-dates and such… and I gather he did the same.

That night I didn’t think about it much nor thought much of it… seeing him was exciting though. But it’s just sex right!! Sex that I wanted and fantasized about and craved for, but yet just hot sex!

I could indeed have been with my husband, who would have never said no to sex, for our life together or maybe the reason we lasted for this long was the sex. Although for almost a year now I have been trying to refrain as much as possible from any sexual encounter with him, in order not to give him any impression that anything is ok, but still… we do in fact fuck once in a full moon, but merely out of horniness or perhaps it is his way of trying to reconnect! And, I have in fact managed lately to get over the crying part or the feeling that I’m giving in to him whenever we do fuck, cause as long as we’re still under the same roof, why the fuck not! 

Although, once in a full moon does not really fulfill and it is not at all endearing anymore, but still, why I am having it with someone else? People most often cheat to get what they lack in a marriage, not get the one and only thing they get in the marriage! But I think what I longed for was a safe and comfortable connection, something full of passion that would take my breath away… a feeling that would fulfill the emptiness inside me… Anyways, it’s nice to have a safe haven of a fuck buddy to rely on for… well sex!

So all morning leading to that afternoon was all about logistics and from all the waiting I started to get anxious and was thinking of taking another rain check… but he finally made it, so I went. We met at one of his friends’ empty apartment. I took a cab there, not to ever be traced by an Uber, disabled my location as soon as I got there. 

Two hours later it was time to go, … kids to pick up and the rest of the day to manage… But I had an hour for it to sink in from the time he dropped me off till my daughter arrived from he play date…

Suddenly and unexpectedly I started to panic … I panicked big time. What the hell was that? How can I still long for more just minuets after? I don’t know if it were from what we did or from what he said… Was it guilt? Probably not towards my husband, that ship has long sailed, but maybe towards his wife. They are planing another baby for goddness sake, what am I doing?… What is he doing?… Why does he want this, if he’s getting it at home?… Was just for the thrill? It is just a passing fuck? I got terrified and for a moment there I thought it was that maybe I am starting to get attached or that I wanted more than just sex, maybe I do, but what I do know for sure is that for the longest time, sex was just a fuck, just lust and instinct, horniness with no passion… and this was defiantly not just that!!

I texted him the next morning, which I maybe shouldn’t have, telling him that I felt vulnerable. I think I freaked him out, I would have undoubtedly freaked out myself had it been me, but with this is the kind of panic attack I would be talking to him about hadn’t not been him… anyways I’m in the processing mode…  

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