Processing my Vulnerability…

One thing I have to admit is that it was undeniably the most intense feeling I felt in the longest time or maybe ever; followed by a cyclone of convoluted emotions that even after my panic, I still cannot process and barely comprehend and it’s been a couple of days. So writing about it might help me comprehend it…

It was overwhelming… it was something we had both craved for a long time and it was indeed long over due… and it’s becoming real. The second I stepped foot out of that cab I could see I was crossing a line. I glimpsed him standing at the apartment door and tried to act as natural as I could, but my mouth started to get pouched and all I could think of was some water. I hugged him… and he kissed me and all the anxiety that preceded melted away… I could finally smell him… taste him… and hear his breath up close… look him in the eye without fearing my lust is showing… 

Heaven knows what happened between then and when he started leading me to the bedroom… and by then we both were half-naked… we have a bed I said, and I so did not mean to say it out loud, but I did… and every word I thought of after just came out with no boundaries… my filter turned off somehow and I was me… inside out…

I felt connected to someone… something I never thought I ever would be again… a connection that made see right through him. And when our eyes locked I could almost see his soul.. His fears, urges and needs and it cut right through me like a x-ray.. He knew exactly what I wanted and when and how…

I could feel his skin at last, his nipples on my lips, the taste of his dick inside my mouth… I’d look up and he’s there staring right at me with hunger… I could feel him side of me, his hands cradling my breast and licking off my nipples… riding him and hearing him moan from behind me, his finger tips running down my back and then squeezing and spanking my ass… holding on to my hair with just the right pull… 

I felt confident and comfortable in my own skin… I was craved for just being me… I was naked, not just physically, my mind and soul and heart and self… I was truly naked… my inner soul for him to see… I felt desired and lusted for… flattered yes, but also embraced and accepted. I felt an infinite desire to give with no baggage or suppressed resentment or need to prove or impress. I just wanted to give him pleasure an innate feeling I cannot describe.

He turned me around over and over and fucked me from every angle, and no matter what… he still made me cum again and again and again… and I could feel him about to explode… 

He looked at me with glowing eyes filled with yearn; ironically like an addict that found his fix… he called me perfect… he was perfect … it was perfect… we were like pieces of jigsaw puzzle interlocking together…  

I felt touched… they say touch is an essential part of life, it comes before sight or speech, it’s the first language, first form of communication and it almost always tells the truth… and I seriously cannot remember being touched like that or touched someone like that… a touch of tenderness and passion of understanding and connecting… perhaps because no matter how much sex I have had over the years, I haven’t really been touched in a long time… not like this… 

We laid down naked next to each other smoking a cigarette, talked and laughed and it was serene… Out of no where, I felt his warm hands on my naked body, kissed my neck and heat just ran through me again… sliped his fingers in me as he held my breasts in his hand… went down to lick me and like volcano I was to explode… I looked at him and he was gazing right at me… he pressed all the right buttons in exactly the right time… I don’t usually cum that fast but there I was erupting like a someone who just discovered orgasm… It might be that it was him, or that he knew what do to… or the excitement… we fucked again…and again…

…with every breath there was a new feeling, with every move a new sensation. Passion with no boundaries … souls melting as one… rhythmic movement of lust and hunger being fulfilled… 

I felt free… oh man I was free, free to say or do anything I wanted with no judgment… free to moan and bite and kiss and fuck with no restrains… I didn’t have to pretend a single thing nor imagine he was someone else or doing something else for me to cum… I didn’t have to think… I didn’t wonder or try to concentrate… the moment was the moment… 

It was so powerful, like an out-of-body experience coming to life… and probably this is what scared me the most. My brain shutting for the first time ever and totally unconsciously I got lost in the moment, and gave up my need to control myself, the situation and just gave in. I submitted… and I have never submitted that much to anyone…

How, when… I never though I would ever open up… I was fine with how I was… I was fine numb… sheltering myself from the world… counting my moves… anticipating judgment. Being vulnerable in my world is scary and I had my guards up with everyone and he tore each and every one apart without me noticing… I am not used to being unguarded for sure. I never thought for a second I could I feel again… and not just for someone, but more importantly for myself. And now I don’t know what to do…

I want that freedom again… I want all that again…

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