Married to an addict… apparently

One of my husband’s best friends called me today morning telling me that we need find a solution for my husband’s drug addition. For the longest time, I was trying to avoid this conversation with anyone or the actual fact that this problem exists; specially because this was one conversation I never thought I would ever have.

He started smoking cigarettes after he graduated collage, and never quit for a day since. He only started drinking a few years back, for he always told me if I started I would never stop. He never dared to try any hardcore drugs even in the funnest of parties. He started smoking up a while ago and it was considered only socially for he couldn’t have much of it because, thankfully, we were living for 7 years in a country where drugs were illegal and not tolerated by the law under any circumstances. He’d find some kind of trip every month to go to; Amsterdam, Paris, Oman, California… he figured it out! I always thought he was over exaggerating… what on earth would one of anything do to him, … only now I get it!

Nevertheless, he started smoking up (hash) rather regularly two and half years ago, when we moved back home, he convinced himself that because it’s made of natural substances, no matter how much he’ll consume of it, he’ll still be ok. He convinced me that everybody does it here and it’s not a big deal. It began like everything slow, but within weeks the slope became very steep, from one joint a day reaching to about 5 on a slow day within a few weeks.

We haven’t been on “marriage terms” since before our little one was born, almost 4 years now… merely just elongating an expired marriage license. Nevertheless, up until last December we were on civil terms and I haven’t given up on him as a person, even if I did for the marriage. Although living under the same roof and ironically in the same bed, our lives took separate roots, where I took myself out from his cycle of violence and stopped dealing with him except for things related to to the kids… and heaven knows what the hell he’s been doing! I coincidently hear about him changing jobs or starting a project or where he is… but generally I stopped caring…

But I could tell that bit by bit he’s changing, he’s not the top of his class, smart, well rounded person he used to be… he’s different. His words make no sense no more, his logic is disturbed, he is very slow, extremely apathetic, and ridiculously inefficient… and he’s always been a narcissist, who cared so much for how he was perceived… Can addiction really kill a person’s essence like that?

A couple of weeks ago I straight up told him… “You’re an addict and you don’t make any sense anymore” and I did except a “nooooo” and whole offensive defense mechanism, but he, to my surprise, didn’t even have the energy or will to argue. He told me “yes I am, what’s wrong with that, as long as i am only taking natural stuff and I am functioning fine”. I didn’t know what to say, he didn’t even deny “I’m a functioning addict” he said! I tried to explain to him how different he has become, but he told me that out of all the people, I should’t be complaining… “I am not violent anymore”… “I pay less attention to what you say, so u don’t make me angry”… “I’m still working efficiently”… and loads of other bullshit, to make me feel that it’s not a big deal and should be grateful and somehow guilty…

However, from what I understood from his friend, he’s not only on hash… he’s on cannabis and opium and pills, which I have no idea what the fuck they are. He takes the hash for life and the rest for some made up pain in his neck apparently, his friend added.

We’ve been together for almost 15 yrs next Feb and I know I am supposed to feel like shit for him and help him and be there for him and intervene to help fix this and all that… and maybe I should… I would do it for a stranger willingly and and gladly. However, I cannot get myself to do any of that for him! Although, when I think of my girls growing up to a father that is like that, and by the looks of how fast he’s getting worse and how the drug abuse is increasing, he’ll be a total rag by the time they’re grow up if he even makes it, and it scares the fuck out of me… and the fact that he’s spending our money on drugs is pissing me off… but that’s it! And if it reached an extent that his friends are now worried, it probably is a fucking big deal…

Where has my empathy gone, has it become that prejudice against him! I foster stray animals, I let birds out of cages, I’m a vegetarian ever since I was a little girl, I give lost and poor people car lifts, I give for charity even if I had little, I find excuses (even if I only keep it to myself) for criminals and murderers, hell, I found excuses for his violence towards me, I’m there for my entire family and for my whole circle of friends… I literally go out of my way for other people… why and how has my heart hardened that strong for a person I once loved so much and admired even more and held on a high pedestal?

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