The cycle of Abuse continues…

I woke up yesterday on my daughter’s cry… Apparently the nanny decided to wake her up herself a bit early and she was crying that she didn’t want her to do anything for, because she never does. He was sleeping next to me and he hasn’t been home for a couple days, spending the night at work and even when does come it is after they have fallen asleep. So i told him why don’t you go check on her, he got up and 5 minutes later she came crying to me, so I told her that I thought daddy was with u. He had then come out of the bathroom and asked what I was saying about him. So i repeated what I said I thought you were with her. The girl ran out, predicting what was about to happen.

He started screaming of how much of a lazy mother I am and that I needed to get the fuck up and that it wasn’t his job, but my only job and that I suck at it. I told him to calm the fuck down, the kids are awake. He began to shout his lungs out and threw one of the kids’ chairs on me. I lowered my voice not for the kids to hear anything and told him: this is my house and you are if you have any pride get out because you are not welcome here anymore. You’re crazy and acting like a damn junkie. I don’t remember much of what was said after that and then he angrily stormed out of the room.

Our 4 year old daughter has her school admission interview, which is a very big deal and the kids have been really ramped up after the germany trip from all the fights and tension they went through and still trying to fix their sleeping schedule as well. So I calmed myself down, only a couple more months till she’s done and I can then take any serious step out of this marriage.

I got up, calmed my daughter down, got her dressed and packed her lunchbox and bags to go to the bus with our neighbour who walks her son to the same bus.

After that I played with the little a little, she asked where her father was “is he back on germany” she asked, I told no, he’s outside and he busy with work. I got her ready and and got dressed and we went down for her nursery.

Around an hour later, the nanny called me up crying to an extent that I did not understand a word she was saying. I tried to calm her down to understand her words. She finally started to make sense and according to her, he screamed at her for not finding his jeans which it turned out that he had hung himself behind the bathroom door, and then started shouting again that he didn’t find water, although there is a full one right next to the water dispenser. He started breaking glasses and banging on doors and tables and calling us all shitty and terrible at keeping the apartment organized, … He told her that she only does things for the kids but not for him and left.

She said she’s leaving and doesn’t want to stay anymore…

I talked her out of leaving and not because that i’m fucking spoilt or don’t like or want to take care of my kids, but because she is the only support system I have. We live in a third world country, extremely unsafe to leave either of the little girls alone anywhere even for a min at home.

My little one’s nursery is an hour or an hour and half away depending in traffic and the they both finish at the same time, they also both have trainings at the same time at different places; so it is for all obvious reasons impossible for me to be at two places at the same time. She helps out with bus pickups and waiting at trainings, while i’m doing things for the other one. We divide ourselves on the kids. She gives them a shower every now and then when I fall sick and helps out with other stuff while I’m cooking or feeding them or sits with them while I’m taking the dog for a walk three times a day. My life revolves around them and for them and he does absolutely nothing for them except maybe a bed time story every month once or a training drop off with the nanny.

She is not for my leisure, but their substitute for a father and she is worth way damn more than a fucking jeans he forgot where he put.

He is insane and selfish and calling me an irresponsible mother fucking hurts. I gave up my career and own financial and social independence for them. I am a single married mother to an abusive egocentric narcissistic so called person.

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