A Happy Morning..

For the past week or so, I have been trying to write about that morning together… because other than the physical part, it has been a tad uneasy! Not until I saw him for coffee today, I could at least try.

Not that anything really happened or that we spent more time than usual together, in fact it was brief, but something felt different that day…

We attended our daughters’ orientation early in the morning, we were both alone (without spouses or kids) and we both decided to leave early and and he offered to drive me home. We fooled around in the car, which was amazing and then after that we cruised for a bit more.

We talked and laughed and it all came natural yet charged with something… . I enjoyed the serenity of that morning and the warmth inside his car and seeing him. I showed him how the neighbourhood has changed and the detours that now exist. Somehow, in the midst of this and for the first time ever we held hands… and I didn’t go into my usual fight or flight mode when I usually first find myself holding hands with someone. It didn’t feel unnatural or new. He looked at me with that look that made me smile. He ran his fingers through my hair and rubbed the back of my head and I just wanted to hug him…

We probably drove around in circles a few times before it was time we both headed home, I had to, it was becoming more intense than I imagined it to be. I think, if it were any other time and any other marital situation, I would have driven away with him until we found each other naked on a beach somewhere… but it isn’t…

He sent me a message later on saying that he is starting to really like me and there I was panicking again… I didn’t know what to say. I like you too I replied, the obvious thing to say. But what does that even mean for either of us? What am I supposed to do with that? Was that how and what I felt? Shit.. I was freaking myself out! I know it felt really nice and serene. It was filled with both contentment yet zealousness being with him, wanting to spend more time and fun, yet having to not let this linger into nothingness. Probably, warm is the word I have been looking for… warmth that doesn’t appear easily, not in my life, that hasn’t existed for me for more than my memory can take me, warmth that makes me want to smile and cry. Is that what you feel when you really like someone?

Note to self: I should really give up that destructive need of wanting to understand and being in control of my emotions all the time… but he does manage to fuck up with my control system anyways… in a good way I guess.

Here’s what I am conscious of, that it is not out of attachment nor boredom that I miss him and it is definitely not only out of horniness that I want to see him… it isn’t like an aching urge or an unattended itch anymore… so maybe, probably, I don’t know… But what am I supposed to do with that? What if I actually consciously acknowledge that he means more to me than just a lustful dear friend?… Then what…?

2 thoughts on “A Happy Morning..

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  1. I guess it all depends on if you are both in the right frame of mind, time, and place to take things further. I’ve been there … though I was in my early 20’s. My ex-boss who is now my really close friend, ended up marrying her partner that she had an affair with. Sometimes it works out. Especially when you’re in a dead-end marriage and horrid cycle of abuse. Just be careful.

    And of course I’m not implying a marriage or long-term relationship. But …. life is funny that way, and you just never know. But with the temperament of your husband, just be very very careful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah.. i am definitely not thinking of anything long term now and i agree, that it’s that frame of mind that matters. I genuinely don’t know what this is, and the mere possibility of this ever developing even the slightest was totally unexpected.

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