15 Years of…

There is something about unhappiness… it is awful and unbearable until something worse comes along and then that unhappiness becomes unacknowledged and under appreciated happiness that we’ve missed the opportunity to value… accordingly this is the biggest fear when someone is trying to obliterate current unhappiness. It’s the what-ifs that haunt the mind that this misery is not the worse that could happen and fear of possible disappointment when things don’t get better. Call it weakness, call it guilt, call it whatever you want… but it’s there!

Scott Peck explains that discomfort propels you to change your life, as he wrote,  “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

Yesterday marked 15 years of our relationship! 15 years that eventually led to the current nothingness that we’ve become… 15 years of being less happy day by day as we moved along the years, no matter all the wishful thinking… 15 years of escalating unpunished abuse. Despite that, I am still afraid of worst unhappiness…

As this journey started, we were filled with hope and charged with potential. You said that yesterday was a sad day for you because I don’t love you anymore, yes it is sad, very sad, but for different reasons. It is sad because I would have never believed that this would spin into a destructive relationship so painful for either of us to stay in. I could not have ever imagined that one day I would want to turn the page on us and stop loving you to this extent… stop wanting you, stop yearning for you to touch me and kiss me and know me. It is heart-wrenching to acknowledge what it has become and that it needs to end. I would have never thought that you of all people had it in you to hurt me so much and burn my soul… to be so critical and mean to an extent that caused my self-hate. I would have never expected that you would slowly erode my self-esteem until I did not have enough fight left in me to leave or admit that sooner. Most of all, I would never have thought that I would stop noticing or care to notice any small improvements you claim… and that I would become so unforgiving and so unempathetic for you, not even appreciative of the so-called love you claim you still have for me. Oh yes, that is what living with an abusive narcissist does to a person I guess; annihilate the empath in them!

Thus, it is time for me to move on, for us to move away and step out of this rut and start searching for truer answers, for our truer selves outside this failed institution.

So happy anniversary my once upon a time dream of happiness…

3 thoughts on “15 Years of…

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    1. That’s my biggest fear every time I try opening up the subject of separation! He tends to get really angry, fuel me with guilt and makes me feel like a spoilt inconsiderate brat for even daring to bring that up. His ego wont let him admit defeat and let me go and it gets harder every time.

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      1. It’s going to be one of those things that I’ve had to help several friends do – you’re going to have to really plan when you leave, and do it when you know he won’t be home for a few hours so that you have time to get your stuff, your kids, and yourself out of there safely. I’m not sure if you guys do no contact orders across the pond, but it may come to you having to file through the courts if he gets too out of hand. It can be done, but he’s going to have to be blind-sided by it, and you far away.

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