Although appreciated… Attention is not what I am looking for…

People get attracted for so may different reasons; physic, personality, sent, hormones, tone of voice, early childhood experiences, experiences gained over the years, certain maturity level, mutual value systems… etc. Apparently there is a science behind it, according to Lisa Firestone Ph.D. And I think my choice of men has evolved and matured dramatically, however, this is not why I am writing this…

I am emotionally and physically lonely, and theoretically it would be nice to have someone’s attention, have someone ask about me or check on me or even some random flirting that shows interest… but I have always been very protective of myself in that manner… always on the edge that no one would dare make a move on me and always have my guards up… I am still married!

A few moths back, I met this guy through a friend. He seemed very nice and pleasant, they both decided to join me for my morning coffee and we all chatted about arbitrary topics and he offered to help fix my phone. A few weeks later I bumped into him again and he gave me his number to meet up to give him the phone to fix and I did. After that we randomly had coffee together also all unplanned. Our talks were of cars and jobs and stuff like that, nothing substantial or that deep. Anyways… he traveled and out of the blue he started texting me while he was away.

I am not making any assumptions of him being interested or anything like that and I genuinely hope that he’s just trying to be a friend, specially that he knows that I am married and I have not opened up about any of my issues with my husband. And he’s not alone, I tend to find myself in this situation a lot and I defiantly do not want to lead anyone on; especially that I am not interested.

So what made me give myself up to someone else… what made me interested when it came to him… a married person that is. If it were out of loneliness or need for attention or just sex and I was willing to give up on my martial vows, wouldn’t it have made more sense to be with a single unattached person?

All my life, married or not, I have been susceptible to being hit on and I thought I knew the signs. With him however, it did take me a while to realize that he was interested; maybe… probably because he was married and I didn’t see it coming. But, it sure was faster than expected that I opened up to him, trusted him, connected with him on a level I never did before… I, for some reason, found myself unexpectedly willing to break down my guards, my vows and without guilt bare myself to him… But other than him, I never did or maybe let myself get attracted to anyone else.

Why him? Was it the timing and that we were at the same stages in our lives? Was that we shared common sexual needs? What is it… that attracted me to him particularly but never to anyone else? Does it have anything to do with the fact that he too is married, cause that would be a little sick, right?

Nevertheless, I still most certainly do not want to be giving out any vibe whatsoever that I’m available or accessible, specially that I am not and do not want to seen as a cheater. I still have my guards up with the rest of the world… I still try to look out for and block out anyone who dares to start flirting… I still freak out to the thought of someone showing interest… I am also still very afraid of the predators that I would face once I am single! I know I should be flattered, but for some reason it doesn’t and it somehow scares me a lot!

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