I lost myself in him…

I have always kept certain truths about myself contained from people, where along the years I learnt to play roles with people to either please or fit-in or avoid criticism or judgment… I wasn’t really my true self except with maybe a couple of people, which defiantly did not include my husband.

In my marriage, I forced myself to conform to his expectations, his needs, his pleasure… I lost myself in him and to him and not in the romantic sense…

In the beginning, it was because I wanted him to be happy, but eventually it all became fake and my behaviours have become so unnatural, thinking maybe one day it will all feel right… I sucked it up until it sucked me in and it ultimately led to self-doubt, anxiety, resentment and I lost the ability to make even the simplest of decisions. I became a disempowered and less-fulfilled version of myself… whatever that is or was meant to be…

Nevertheless, there was always this whisper in my ear that told me that this is not methis is not comfortablethis is not real… and by the end it was impossible to be any comfortable self around him and I was always tiptoeing afraid of his instant or latenes reactions or judgments…

After time, he took these self-sacrifices for granted and started to expect or demand certain behaviours, and during all that I was holding my breath and every now and then I would grasp for some air until I couldn’t breath anymore… I was suffocating completely… because, even though I sometimes did not know what I wanted, I knew that I was compromising a part of me, and I consequently began to grow resentful of giving in and giving up… resentful of him and of myself…

Thus, if you find yourself walking on eggshells afraid not to hurt your partner or that you are not 200% yourself with them or if you often act, think, and communicate in ways that you feel your partner will approve of and desire instead of being your true, authentic self or if you consistently ignore your own needs and desires within the relationship or if you feel unsafe expressing your independent self rationally, regularly and freely… then you need to get help and get out… because they are not the problem, it isn’t even about them… It’s about you.

Yes; I was living with a narcissist, but I am the one who allowed people that sacred space into my soul, allowed people to get to me, whether consciously or sub-consciously, I am the one who accepted and endorsed becoming a puppet in someone else’s world… and it contributed to me losing my identity and bit my bit I was running farther and farther away from myself, until my independent self became annihilated…

I came out of this with more questions and more confusion:

  • How do I connect to my own internal needs to find myself again?
  • How do I understand and trust my decisions, my actions, my desires, and my own thoughts… when I have been conditioned and reconditioned?
  • How do I not care of being judged?
  • How do I change my mind-set from what “I should” be doing, to what is it in my own interest to do?
  • How do I become my own advocate, when I tend to scrutinise and judge my beliefs and decisions, just like he used to do?
  • Is there such a thing as being completely yourself with everyone?

I am currently starting with acknowledging and admitting my strengths and my weaknesses… taking it day by day and sometimes taking spur of the moment decisions and taking it from there…. and whenever I find myself doubtful of what my separation decision, I always try to remind myself that: a healthy relationship allows you to become more of yourself, not less.

One thought on “I lost myself in him…

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  1. It’s all true. And when I broke out of my long relationship with an abusive narcissist, I found that old habits and whispers of what he would say, would creep into my mind constantly. It took years to break from him living for free within my mind and still allowing the thought of him to control me.

    I think finding yourself, or getting back to who you were before them, takes some time. But once you finally reach that place, reflecting back on who you became is a very enlightening tool.

    Like

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