I had a dream of a wonderful and happy marriage, a relationship of passion and respect that I would be proud of… Perhaps a utopian dream or some over compensation from my parents’ failed marriage, but I was willing with my whole soul and being to give it my all and to sacrifice whatever it took for it. I would sit and imagine a prettier life together… of shared responsibilities and shared compromises and shared respect and shared passion. I really wanted us to be happy and there was something in me that genuinely believed that we could make it; that he would eventually believe in me and I’d be his priority… and that I would ever be myself around him… and to be honest, for the longest time I carried him in my heart, until I stopped and I stopped believing in love and in us!
I never thought that a day would come where I would want to turn the page and actually would be fine with him away… We grew less and less happy with escalated resentfulness and escalated abuse and it was time I moved on and away from what he and this that marriage have become…
Ironically, now that it is ending, I am starting to feel the guilt of maybe my resentfulness is one of the reasons it got fucked up… Maybe had I been more forgiving or more appreciative or more assertive or believed more in myself or managed to achieve more in my life, he would have maybe appreciated me or showed me respect… I am starting to feel the guilt of maybe I hurt him sometimes as well… and most importantly the guilt and worry about how this will affect the kids and impact their lives… I know how rediclious it might sound, but it is how i feel!!
But my homework for today was to write down what is good/bad about ending the marriage? So here goes nothing:
What is good about ending the marriage?
1. No more violence
2. Living without fear and not being controlled
3. Not having any expectations from him
4. Him not having expectations from me
5. Freedom to do as I please
6. Experiencing life on my own
7. Regaining my self-respect
8. Rediscovering myself
9. Calmer children with a less toxic environment and calmer parents
10. Monogamy is not natural state for humans (my opinion of course)
11. We have different personalities and value systems
12. No more being criticised
What is bad about ending the marriage?
1. Lack of financial support
2. Being alone is challenging and scary
3. Impact on the children and lack of a balanced family
4. Guilt of impacting the kids’ lives
5. Going out to events alone
6. Shame of being divorced… will get into that later
7. Fear of being hit on and having to say no
8. The accountability of the kids will be mine alone
9. Way less sex and intimacy
10. Loss of Companionship (we share a lifetime of history and experience together)
11. Loss of common friends