Later that day… after he, my holiday fling or weekend-stand, had left, I got a strange feeling in my gut… I was stunned by what has happened, what I have done and how it did or maybe did not make me feel… I was also shocked by how comfortable and liberating and empowering it felt. I have indeed had someone else in my life during my marriage for the past year or so, someone I shared more than myself with, bore my soul and body to, but this felt different… it was more primitively sexual… and I liked it…
How come that not for even a second I stopped to feel one bit of shame or regret during it all? On the contrary, it felt like a weight lift to feel uncontrolled and to let go of all constraints… live in the moment. It felt good to give in to my mere sexuality, basic instincts and the love for attention and being lusted for.
I am still only separated... I am still married! Do I not have a value system? Has marriage been the only thing taming me from all that?… perhaps I really ought and need to be tamed. This was no longer an affair attempt or a scream for help… but, was this the me I was going to become from now on? Is this the role-model I want to be for my children and why on earth did it feel so liberating?
I freaked out and turned to that one person I knew, well hoped won’t judge me… probably the only person who could ever tell my story correctly one day… and he did make me comfortable sharing, although by no means I meant to make him feel uneasy… I turned to him because maybe he knew why I was freaking out and maybe he would tell me that it is nice to feel unchained and that I deserved new experiences and that I shouldn’t feel bad about not feeling bad… and am glad I did..
But, then it finally dawned on me… after decades of abuse and all the scars and marks have physically disappeared… after the cycles of criticism, control, shaming, belittling, mind games, rejection to communicate are slowly fading away… and after shifting from being a person’s love of their life to a source of their frustration and a burden to being alone… NOW what I am left with are the deeper wounds that no one can see and the much too heavy weight of finding out who I really am.
I now supposedly have the power back over my life… I should now stop mirroring and ought and theoretically can take back my story, draw my own boundaries and sculpt my own conditions. My life is slowly becoming my own to live, and am allowed to take as much time as I want, on what I want, who I want, and where, when, and how I want to do it… but I have no fucking clue what that is!
And how is that even possible?
I have, for my entire lifetime, child be it or adult, been mirroring society’s conditionings, my parents’ boundaries and my husband’s chains … trying to live up to people’s expectations and feeling like a failure doing it, trying to become what they need and craving for their appreciation, which I never received… trying to fulfil other people’s dreams…
So, who am I without all that? What do I believe in? What are my likes and dislikes? How do I break these chains of control and how do I know if I have broken out and not unconsciously still under these influences? How do I not fall into that trap again? What if I do not like who I really am? How does one create self-worth? And most importantly what is my value system?
And so it somehow beings, the road to recreating myself … which began with sex with a stranger…