A Narcissist’s Reaction to Separation…

Well I believe that all of us have traces of narcissistic traits, but some just have it so pronounced… My dear old husband texted me the other day and stayed texting for 8 hours… 8 continues hours of hateful messages filled with pain but stuffed with angry and extremely hurtful and insulting words, bringing up 12 years of built up hate.

If you don’t know the story; I asked him to move out after years of abuse and violence. It took all the strength I had and here we are two months in and barely talking… but every time we do, which is mainly about logistics with the kids, he finds a way to get angry about something, thus, communication became the bare minimum… until two days ago… and I don’t know what made all this erupt, but it surly wasn’t something I said, because I didn’t say anything…

He kept telling about how he has been forcibly separated… about how scared he is that the kids would be traumatized by all this… that I am an evil person with a dark soul and is the reason for all the hell he’s in now…

I tried to explain how sorry I am if he feels that way and that I never wanted nor want for him to hurt, I just wanted to stop him from hurting me any further… but he wouldn’t stop, he kept ranting on… replying with even more insults and blame and shaming me for who I am and what I am not…

I told him that I only hope that one day he realizes that all I ever wanted from him was kindness and respect, which I have never gotten. He replied by telling me “give me something to respect”.

He claimed that I have stabbed him in the back, by kicking him out and eliminating the little love he could get from his kids that I have stopped giving him … that I have taken away his life and kids, where he now needs to arrange to see them … that it is my responsibility not to fuck up the guy who earns the bread and should instead be thankful for his contribution and should instead be thankful that he puts up with me and my separation experiment, although it is destroying him and the kids, but he is tolerating it because he still loves me!! He barely spent any time with them when we were all under the same roof, and would rather sleep or stare at a screen than spend time with them… and if the dared to be just a tad loud or a little messy he would scream at them.

I mentioned the violence and the name-calling and the abuse, he so casually called them isolated incidents that I keep dwelling about and that I pretend to be a flawless saint who resorts to the victim persona when I am challenged!! Seriously!!!! In my head I was thinking, I am not a flawless anything.. I am totally fucked up, but at least I know I am fucked up, unlike him, who always says he is better… He then had the audacity of saying that this felt to him much worse than any bruise he ever caused me or any punch he gave me or any embarrassment he caused me in front of friends and that I deserved that… I held my temper and so steadily told him that he has never been on a receiving end of that to even dare to compare and that he has he never felt the insecurity of living with so much fear from the one person and in the one place you are supposed to feel safe in!!

He didn’t care… as if I am not even typing on the other end… he continued by explaining how I have created an unnurturing house with no love, and that coldness and darkness became the only two features in it and that I have a rude underlying tone of being always right and that it is extremely boring being with me because I do not suggest anything that bring joy … and as a result I had nothing to expect except his insults and criticism. And for a second there I believed him… I believed that it might have been my fault and what he is saying might be true… but noooo that wasn’t me, that isn’t me… I bought flowers and put on music and danced in the house… I read bed time stories and made up teeth cleaning songs… I always talk good about him to the girls regardless what he did… Ok sometimes I go crazy, but that does not excuse nor result by any rationale to how he treats me!

I told him that if he wants to twist situations for his own benefit so he could feel sorry for himself go ahead… I am neither going to defend nor get angry, but that he should do it in his head, not to me and asked him why he wanted to get back with me if he has so much hatred for me … he said: “Commitment, dedication, loyalty, progression, development, learning and nurturing” and that he still feels responsible for me “regardless of how stupid or arrogant or indecisive or an asshole” I am and he called that “loyalty and care and commitment’ … is that what marriage is? Really? Is it a prison sentence, with a person you disrespect so much? and is all that name calling something I would ever take him back with…

His comeback was “So what is your fucking plan? “and that I should not expect the man that has been taking care of me for the past 12 years of marriage with all the good and bad to sit and wait till I make up my mind. He barely gave me time to reply and went with the threatening me that if I dare to destroy the family and kept this foolishness and rigidity; he will retaliate… I told him to again calm down and that all I want now is to focus on the kids and then when we are both calm we can think about further plans … that we should both use this time to understand what we want and how we could achieve it.

He then started talking about how he cries because he misses the kids and his home that is broken because of my stupidity … that he wished that he had spent so much time text sending me love letters instead, but that these don’t work with me, because I “do not know love” and that I know only myself … that I do not understand how much fragile he has… but that every time he is being led by me he feels that he is “following a retard”. That he regrets marring a “clueless someone with no dreams or clear plan in life” like myself, where my only role in life is to fuck up other people’s dreams and plans… “with immature mature illusions of yourself”, he wrote … that I am too fucked up to raise sane children…

Nearly all his sentences start with a notion that makes me feel sorry for what he is going through and ends with an insult I want to hurt him for…

He then began to guilt trip me that I am following my mother’s footsteps and will end up fucking up my kids like she did and raise them without any self confidence and without a father figure … that I will suck them into my bubble and create yet another fuck up of a dysfunctional family and that he will never forgive me for that.

All through out the hours of texting I was trying my best to keep my calm, and my sanity and use only words I wont regret… but that pushed me over the edge and I finally burst out, I think he was looking for the right trigger to provoke me, pocking all bottoms until one struck… I told him that he is one who drove me this far!!! That divorce was never on my table and that I put up with nothing anyone I know would ever put up with just not to go that far… so if he wants to blame anyone he should blame himself for a change … admit his own faults and his own fuckups for a change … and calm the fuck down!

So this is basically a conversation with a narcissist… that if you see the hours of texts, it will amaze you how much he could type and how little I wrote… which is exactly how our verbal conversations go… hours of him talking and by the time I get to say anything he is too tired and too angry and has no time…

I should be gloating of how hurt he is, but I genuinely do not want him hurt, I do not want to hurt anyone… all I wanted was to stop hurting myself. I just needed to stop him from hurting me. I needed time to heal and think and then take a more rational and healthier decision.

2 thoughts on “A Narcissist’s Reaction to Separation…

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  1. The only thing that I love about a narcissist is that they are all the fucking same. Your husband isn’t aching and crying. His ego is hurt, but he is so far into his own ego, he can’t separate himself from it. He’s acting this way because for years he treated you this way and you did anything he wanted. His actions caused a reaction from, and in his favor.

    I can’t wait to read about the moment he realizes that shit won’t work anymore, and then the floodworks will start, and the sweet words, and the “I am a changed man, I swear it. I will do anything you want. We will go to therapy….” etc etc …..

    It’s coming. And that is the hardest part to turn away from. Because the part of you that will always love a piece of him, wants to badly to believe it’s true. It never is though.

    Stay strong. The hardest part is coming.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I tried calming his ego down, but how does one do that, talk to the ego? or even talk to the person behind his ego? How do I ever make him understand how much he’s hurt me?
      That is what I am afraid of and that is what I am trying to gain the strength for, the aftermath of telling him that it is over. I so don’t want him to get to me when that happens.

      Like

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