Sex, with Feelings and Respect

It’s just sex, with feelings and respect, he said… and I like that, because, it really is a good and honest friendship that happen to be accompanied by an amazing sexual connection… and calling it anything else, would make it sound ugly and unethical and bad…

It somehow does not feel like cheating, at least from my side. It feels so natural and comfortable and more true and honest than anything I ever experienced… It was hard at first learning to do that, learning to let go and not be afraid of being judged, learning to not second doubt myself when I talk to him nor calculate my thoughts… learning to be as honest with him as I am with myself… learning to share my fuck-ups and my weaknesses… learning to get over the immorality and that there are other people we might hurt, which is still the hardest part of all. But it didn’t take much time as I expected, nor that I ever expected that to happen at all.

I like who I am in his eyes, because it is very close to who I think I am… I like how he sees me… I like who I am when I talk to him and not needing to think twice and that I can say whatever I want to say or feel without assessing the consequences. I like it because, it is easy being that and not being the chameleon I was taught through time to be…

I like that I am responsible towards him, not for him nor him for me… responsible to be honest with him, and not feeling that I owe him anything but that, without any wired aftermath. I don’t think I ever understood the difference but with him… knowing that I do not have control of other people’s choices or reactions, but only what I do and that nothing, other than hurting another soul, should make me say anything just to keep the peace. I like that I do not have or need to worry about his reaction, nor does he about mine and that we treat each other as two responsible independent adults…

I like the respect… without judgment I value him, his opinions, his views, even if we disagree about some. I respect his experiences, no matter how little he thinks they are, they have enriched him more than most people who have experienced more time in life than he has… he has managed, I think, to learn from them and used them to his benefit more than most. Maybe because people take this time of experiences for granted they don’t make much use of them like the ones who have little of it.

I like that he is honest about who he is… the good and the bad, the fuckups, history, weaknesses and strengths… and that his ego does not take over him.

I also admire that he respects me, without any but’s. The kind of respect that makes one feel safe and trusting to express. I was never offered respect of that kind before and I like it and I deserve it…

And I love the passion; wanting to be naked with him, bearing myself to him, mind, body and emotions… I love the closeness and the warmth and sexual communication. I like sharing my sexuality with him, with all its kinkiness and weirdness and darkest fantasies… and like that he shares his with me. It used to make me scared at the beginning, but it came so slowly and easy that I opened up all the doors and just became how I feel and it was empowering… an emancipation from a prison sentence in my head.

This is not a game, nor an addiction, nor a dependency, nor a history based connection … It is not a fantasy, nor a power, nor dirty-type of relationship … not even a committed one, not in the sense that people feel bound to each other. It is sex, with feelings and respect.

The only thing is, that I don’t ever want to disrupt nor fuck-up his life… I don’t ever want to be a reason that he regrets knowing me nor scare him by feeling this way… but I have to now at least admit it to myself; I really like him.

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