People keep asking me why don’t I just divorce him already and get it over with… What are you waiting for? It’s been three months since he moved out! They tend to assume that because I am not insisting and pushing for a divorce that I still want him, or that I am keeping the door ajar so I could or would go back at some point, or that I am merely teaching him a lesson and punishing him and when he changes and admits he fucked up I’ll forgive him… He still thinks that this separation is some kind of fucked up experiment in my head or just a tantrum…and I get it; these are all plausible attitudes and reasons, but none of them are mine.
I do not want to explain myself to anyone and frankly I do not own anyone an explanation.
Scared, yes!! I am fucking scared, but not of being alone or single; I am actually terrified of him, the aftermath of taking this serious step and how crazy he’s going to react. The same guy that I left due to neglect and anger and abuse has shown me nothing better since he left, and that is just by separating. He is only getting angrier and meaner and smarter at it, but of course, now he actually has something valid to complain about; the poor man has been kicked out of the house, he does not sleep near his kids, and as he puts it: he is miserable and disappointed and feels humiliated and controlled by my irrational decisions.
He was always angry, and now he is even angrier than before, but with an excuse to be.
Obviously! He has no one to boss around or control like before… Everyday he finds something to call and fight about or texts to complain and criticise. I ask him to pay the school fees, he says that he didn’t have the time because he is unloved and ousted from the house and the kids’ lives and dysfunctional because of the situation I put him in. I try to arrange for him to see his kids, he says I am defectively managing his schedule and I do not understand how hard he works to feed us. I send him a picture of the girls playing; he bursts out in tears, calling me names and screaming about how much I do not understand pain… seriously!!
So I am just waiting for him to either understand that he is the one who fucked up and caused this… for him to finally get an ahaa moment and maybe that would calm him down…. or that he gets used to his single life and stops getting angry about it and decides that it is time to move on and divorce then would merely be the natural step for him as well and I would not be the sole decision maker in breaking up this family …. or that I get strong enough so I could deal with his retaliation plans when I do take measures of divorce. Until then… I wait!