My days of going to his side of town are over… my little one is done with nursery and I will not bump into him by coincidence during coffee runs or on the street anymore… no more car rides… no more stealing a kiss when no one is looking or hanging out for hours to talk… Well, maybe in school meetings, which would be extremely awkward to say the least.
While it usually took me years to just slightly disclose just a fragment of myself to anyone and even though, it was terrifyingly scary at the beginning, with him I learned to open up wholly. It really is strange that during this past year and a half I grew close to a person I had never known before in my life, someone I met by chance during a terrible time in my life and ended up exposing my very soul to him and allowed myself to share my darkest and most embarrassing secrets. But I also experienced a relationship I never thought existed, one that is noncritical and nonjudgmental, one that does not leave me wondering what the other person is thinking or feeling, one that helped me grow and made me feel ok to be as fucked up as I am.
Nevertheless, if we ever meet again, it will have to be planned! We’re both busy with whatever shit is going on in our lives and not so great at this whole arrangement thing. We, however, did attempt to plan a hotel booking for a night, but he didn’t follow up and I was too embarrassed to ask again whether he still wanted to or not. Who knows if we ever will find a time and place that is suitable? Who knows if we ever will make the time to ask about one another and keep contact? Who knows if either of us will find something more convenient with someone else? Who knows if i could ever open up to another like i did with him, or if i ever want to?
But I have to admit a few things: First; I miss sex, being naked, the sensations of skin and heat and serenity. I feel like my best years are going to pass by me without that, without a person who can fulfill my sexual needs as well as my passionate ones… someone, I can be completely and utterly intimate with, mind, body and emotions. Second; I, more than anything, do miss being touched by him, with all the closeness and the passion and the kinkiness, without judgments. I miss exploring my sexuality with him and being wanted by someone I feel for and knows how to turn me on. Third; I feel that he’s slowly going to fade out of my system and I for him… and the longer time will pass it will grow awkward for us to reconnect. Maybe and sadly it’s for the best. He does deserve to experience his marriage without hook-ups and I probably need to stop missing him and focus on where this separation of mine is going to lead.