Amsterdam Invite…Part 1 of the Hoovering

After days of fighting about how much I have broken the family and that I have no empathy of what he’s going through and don’t care about his happiness… screaming about how I am now controlling his time with his girls when I am too immature, with no plan nor vision, to have such authority over him… and after ranting on about how I made him look stupid and humiliated, because the image of his family has been broken… and even crying, litrally, about how much I have hurt him…

… he sends me a message to invite me to a trip to Amsterdam with our friends… yup…


What is Hoovering? How does a narcissist reel you back in? https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/hoovering/


He said he wants to honour me and to reconnect with ourselves and enjoy some time off within a friendly environment, where we can give each other chances to show our best selves, not to torture me.

On the one hand, I really could use a break from all this, the kids, motherhood, overcrowdings of this city and the roller coaster of dramas, both his and this insane family of mine. I could also use a free trip to city of freedom, last time I went I was 7 months pregnant with my now 6 yr old. But, on the other hand, this is insane!!! Like driving me to the booby hatch kind of crazy. I don’t know what he thought will happen, travel, get stoned and fuck and all will be fine? I don’t know if this is his denial talking or he still thinks it’s a fight that a trip will fix? The thought of being away with him even in heaven terrifies me and brings traumatic memories of all the fights and stress and suffocation I endure during trips. Ironic it would be, to feel imprisoned in the freedom city.

I could have said yes and enjoyed a free trip to the city of freedom I could have gone out of complete selfishness, because I do miss being abroad, being kid-less for a few days, but I couldn’t. It would for starters not be honest; I still resent him to my very core, feel anxious and edgy around him, never could be myself when I’m with him, plus I would be too ashamed showing peace with him around the people who he so without shame admitted that he has been abusive. Hell, just the logistics on getting to airport with him would have been awkward.

But I didn’t know what who to write, stayed for the rest of the day, trying to write him back and anticipate every possible reply to my declining message, but i ended up not sending anything. A couple of days later we met as I was dropping off the kids to spend the night, he in a very angry voice asked if I am going… I said no, but just as I was about to explain, he said… asked and answered! So I had to just shut up as usual.

He left a few days after and sent me a message from there saying that he is not having the time of his life and only thinking about me and the kids… I didn’t reply to that either… I fgured he’ll get the message sometime!

One thought on “Amsterdam Invite…Part 1 of the Hoovering

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  1. I was wondering how long it would take for him to slowly start slipping, what he considers, niceties. Silly boy. All narcissists are exactly the same. Berate, abuse, gaslight, throw in a dash of nice to see if that trips you up, then back to mean, then around the corner and over the hill to pity and sympathy. The flowers and gifts should start arriving soon. Last will be the offer of counseling, or the claim that he has gone by himself and is now a changed man. I’d love to kick him in the throat.

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